Why.

As God as my witness I hereby declare to all the care: No more cheese for me. None. Do not feed me cheese.

I do not cherish sitting in the bathroom for a good chunk of my lunch hour. I’ll refrain from further description.

That is all.

I own an iPhone. I use it a lot. I don’t talk on it so much, rather, I update my Twitter and check my e-mail and chat with various people through the built in chat mechanisms. I try not to be obnoxious with my phone, but I admit that I can be from time to time. I usually get a “look” from Earl when I get that way. I have important things to say to important people.

Anyways, I find people yakking on their cell phone in public spaces to be obnoxious. Where is it written that people should carry on mundane, ordinary conversations whilst standing in the middle of a restaurant? I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had a cell phone for a really long time or what, but I always thought that a cell phone was for important, earth-shattering conversations. “My wig is on fire.” “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” “I’ve ran the car out of oil and it isn’t moving now.”

“What are you doing?” in a monotone, uninterested voice is not a conversation to have on your cell phone while standing in the middle of Wendy’s, balancing a Big Gulp on a tray loaded with fat with a newspaper wedged under your smelly armpit. I resisted the urge to bump into the tray by mistake. I would have forgiven her if her wig was on fire.

While Earl and I were enjoying our quick lunch at said Wendy’s today, I noticed that there were 11 people talking on their phone out of the 30 or so in the restaurant. Three of them were at the same table. I envisioned them in a conference call with one another.

I tried calling my friend Greg the other day at lunch time. The call went to his voice mail. A little while later I got via text, “I couldn’t talk, I was in a restaurant.” Now that is the type of response that I would expect. I’m glad he didn’t yak at me with his mouth full. That would be improper.

So the next time you see me in a restaurant and I happen to be talking on my phone, slap it right out of my hand and declare “Practice what you preach.”

Unless my wig is on fire.

As a person that used make his living by writing ad copy for radio commercials I occasionally feel hypocritical for having no tolerance for marketing ploys. I’m not a fan of clever commercials of any type; I don’t feel inclined to buy a car from a man that can belch out the word “huge”, I don’t feel the need to add two blades to my razor just because Tiger Woods swung a ball at it and I certainly don’t find my work day infinitely cheerier because one of the Baby Bells has populated their software interface with pictures of happy people.

Now, I don’t mean to sound like a crank but is it really necessary to put all these smiling, fake, airbrushed people throughout a software application? I’ve been asked many times why I don’t use Microsoft products and while I’m not a fan of their products I don’t hate them to the point of disuse. I just don’t like the fake happy people on their packaging. Their boxes always have pictures of people nearing orgasm over the data in a spreadsheet. Now I know every office has interoffice hanky panky going on but how often is Microsoft Excel included in the fun? I hope not very often.

The aforementioned software interface has pictures of people staring at you no matter what screen you are on. Most the models are of Asian decent and I often wonder why this is the case. Are they reinforcing a stereotype that Asians are more “techy”? Once in a while a white man will pop up on the screen, he’s grinning from ear to ear next to his ancient Sperry text terminal. I hope he’s not saddled with that clunker today! The pictures rotate in a seemingly random fashion, today I had three Asian women staring at me seductively, as of if my attempts to add “speed dial” to a customer account was actually one click away from a steamy session on X-tube.

I think I’m offended by the fact that marketing folks try too hard to make the picture balanced. There’s a token black, a token woman, a token Asian and a token man. Why not just have a group of “people”? Where’s the Native American? Where is the Russian? Where is the Irishman? Where is the Indian? Where is the lesbian? Where is the gay man? The fact that they are trying not to offend me by including an unlikely cross section of people in these photos offends me. If you have to include pictures of people on the site, just make sure they’re human. That’s all I ask.

Now, back to my date with PowerPoint.

I’ve been avoiding Dunkin’ Donuts since the whole ridiculous Rachel Ray incident, but Earl and I were feeling a little bit of a sweet tooth this evening, so we whipped through the drive thru of the closest store.

“CanI help ya”? asked the little voice from the little speaker. She did not sound amused. She tacked on some marketing message about an iced coffee that I ignored.

“I’d like two Boston Cream Donuts”, I barked into speaker.

“We don’t have any donuts”, replied the speaker in a somewhat agitated voice. I must have interrupted a break or something.

“You don’t have any donuts at all?”, I asked, perplexed.

(exasperated sigh), “No, Sir” said the tinny, high-fidelity squawkbox.

“There are no donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts”, I confirmed.

“No Sir.”

“Bye!”, was my final, abrupt bellow into the clown’s mouth that was missing the clown.

And with that I sped through the drive-thru like a madman. Am I unreasonable for expecting Dunkin’ Donuts to have donuts? I think not. So no more Dunkin’ Donuts for me. Not now. Not ever.

Oh Tim Horton’s, where are you?

That is all.

So Earl and I needed a few items from the market to get us through the weekend to our traditional grocery day. I had a total of 12 items on my list. Back in the late 1990s we could go to “Great American”, a chain of relatively small neighborhood markets. It was a little more expensive (as the stores were locally owned) than the big box stores, but it was convenient and it was always busy when we went in there. (It was also the site of the Great Chip Incident of 1999 but we’ll save that for another blog entry).

In the early oughts it was decided that two Wal*Mart Supercenters within 10 miles of our home was not enough and therefore two more were built. So, we now have four; within 25 miles of our home we have FIVE Wal*Mart Supercenters. Now THAT is selection. I hate them.

Unable to compete with these monstrosities, as well as the larger big-box grocery stores that surround the closest Wal*mart (“Always White Trash, Always”), Great American subsequently closed. The building was torn down and it was replaced by a gym that only opens between 9 and 5 on weekdays. So when we need something from the store, we are left with two choices, grab it at the local convenience store where everything is VERY expensive or drive eight miles to one of the big box grocery stores. These stores are so large you have to take a bus to get from produce to dairy. It’s not convenient and you have to deal with all the traffic that surrounds the big box arena in a local suburb.

All I want is a place where I can pick up a few items. We live in a large town, I can’t be the only person to feel this way. If we were to win the lottery tonight I would push to have a neighborhood market built right here in our lovely neighborhood.

Until then, I hate grocery shopping.

I don’t know why we call a certain genre of television “reality television”. Who in their right mind thinks that what they see on a reality tv show is real? Are there people out there that really think that network X scooped Joe Citizen off the street to make him star? Please.

I was folding laundry and turned on TV Land hoping to catch an episode of something classic: “The Munsters”, “Leave It To Beaver”, “I Dream of Jeannie”, something nostalgic. Apparently TV Land has shucked the whole nostalgia angle because now they’re showing “She’s Got The Look”, a reality tv show aimed at making women over 35 into models. They scooped them right off the street.

Yeah, right.

As I tuned into the middle of tonight’s episode, a very angry barely-female looking woman was ranting and raving about not being understood. She had a lot to say about stereotypes and how the world is superficial and no one gets her. It would have been somewhat interesting and mildly amusing if I hadn’t seen it LAST year when she gave the SAME speech dressed up some superhero, I think it was “The Shrill”, on “Who Wants To Be A Superhero?” And yet we see another duplicated real person on a reality tv show. Remember that Man-Beast Toni who was on “Love Cruise” and then “Paradise Hotel”? You know, that ugly chick on steroids with the bugged-out eyes¹. She made her rounds on the reality TV shows and now she’s gone.

We can only hope that Paula, a.k.a. “The Shrill” meets the same fate.

And while I’m ragging on TV Land and their as of late idiotic programming, I know that I have mentioned how much I dislike the ads for medicine on television before. I don’t know what the latest miracle drug was for (maybe it was another one to make taking a dump more comfortable) but one of the listed side effects was an “irritated pancreas”. “If you have an irritated pancreas you should consult your physician.” What the hell does an irritated pancreas feel like? I’m not even sure I could point to where my pancreas is. I’m pretty sure it’s in the torso. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone in a grocery store say, “I should eat more brussel sprouts to help my irritated pancreas.”

And while I’m having a fit about these stupid drug commercials, for the love of all that is worthy would someone please pull those damned medical ads from the movie theatre chain preview shows? I have yet to see someone abandon their popcorn and intended movie to run out and have an MRI. “My GOD I haven’t had an MRI in years! I must leave!” Or those varicose vein ads – “Someone please get rid of these varicose veins right now!” It’s disgusting and detracts from the enjoyment of popcorn, M&Ms and Raisinettes.

Thank you.

¹ Wow, I’m a little harsh tonight!

I may be crazy but I know that I read somewhere that if you place a frog in hot frying pan, he’s going to jump out. However, if you put a frog in a cold pan and then heat it up slowly, the frog will never jump out but instead he’ll just sit there and burn to death, content all along his journey to delicacy.

I think that is exactly what is happening in the United States today. As Americans we were very content in the “cold pan” of yesteryear and for the past several years the heat has steadily been increased. We are eventually going to burn to death without even realizing what’s happening to us. I am applying this metaphor to countless topics. For example, on my way home at lunch I noticed that the price of gas jumped six cents between 7:30 a.m. and 12 noon. A gallon of unleaded is now $4.259 at the corner store. It was a year ago that I was outraged at $2.399 a gallon. Doesn’t anyone care? Why are people not outraged? I know folks that are miffed, but where is the outrage?

People think nothing of standing line at an airport for three hours as your bags are scanned, your illegal shaving cream is confiscated and the fear of God is instilled in you as you board an airplane to your favorite destination. It’s all in the name of security, you know. Be afraid. Be very afraid. That’s been the theme of the 21st century. “Be afraid”. The Flying J still boasts a threat level of orange. Please.

And while I’m at it, why in the hell should I pay extra to bring my luggage along on a vacation? They don’t want us to bring our clothes, they’ve designed xrays that strip us of our clothes yet the rent-a-secure-feeling personnel balk every time I suggest I just go through security naked. Do you want clothes or not? Just follow the lead of the gas companies and raise the fares for everyone. “You’ll have to pay extra for your luggage.” Stupid.

You need a passport to cross into Canada. We need a fence along the Mexican border. What happened to “tear down that wall?” What has Canada done? More importantly, why are people not questioning things? Why are tomatoes all of a sudden the forbidden fruit (or vegetable, I can never remember)? What happened to growing your own tomatoes? Hell, I can grow tomatoes in a 5 gallon pail on the back porch and know that they’re safe from pesticides and god knows what else. And why do we accept high-fructose syrup in “all natural” tea (and yes, I’m firmly entrenched in the “New Coke/Coke Classic” conspiracy theory from the 1980s). Why do people think that Splenda is splendid? The stuff was rushed to market. It’s unnatural. In the 1970s it was all about the saccharin. And today people are literally dumping scoops of Splenda into their favorite dish. I know I eat a lot of crap but I still go out of my way to avoid chemistry when I can. Up until a couple of months ago I was an avid diet pop drinker. That was until I discovered it had many of the same ingredients as rat poison.

Personally I think the United States was headed toward insanity in 2000 and my suspicions were confirmed when Bush Lite was re-elected in 2004. It’s a slippery slope we are headed down. Something has got to give, and when it does, it’s not going to be pretty. When does this madness stop? When will the pan get too hot?