Spiritual Stuff.

Serenity.

It’s kind of a crazy, stressful time at work. The Big Project™ that I’m working on at work is rather time consuming and while I am just one of a team comprised of several members, I find that the workload is creeping up worse than underwear, especially since everything has been piled up on top of my regular job. I know that I’m going to feel a great sense of pride and accomplishment when this project comes to a close next spring, but in the interim all I’m feeling is stress. Lots of stress.

This stress is considerably different from the stress I felt in my previous job because the old job involved irregular sleeping patterns and being awoken on an erratic schedule.  The Big Project™ isn’t causing me to lose sleep, simply because I have a knack for being able to fall asleep in an instant whenever I need to, but staying asleep can be a little troublesome if I have something on my mind. This happens once in a while, especially on Sunday nights. This occasionally manifests itself as insomnia but in other cases I have been known to walk, talk, dance or jump in my sleep. Luckily I have a husbear that can tell the difference between my sleep walking self from my normal self and he keeps me from hurting myself by falling down the stairs or something. I have a hunch that he laughs at me.

I have been feeling considerably stressed out this week (and it’s only Tuesday), so I took a moment and removed myself from the noise, closed my eyes and recited the first paragraph of the Serenity Prayer to myself.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

After reciting the prayer I went so far as to print out the verse, cut it into a neat little square and tape it to my computer monitor. I now have it as a point of reference whenever I need a little reminder. I surprisingly felt more comfort than anticipated after this little exercise. My stress level went down considerably. I get why this prayer is recited at AA meetings and the like, the words are comforting and make perfect sense. The exercise gave me a chance to catch my breath and regain my focus, the words provided some needed comfort.

Perhaps we all need to just take a moment during the day and find ourselves again.

Japan.

I am very saddened, but somewhat fascinated, by the tragedies in Japan. I am finding the US news outlets to be somewhat contradictory in their assessment of what’s going on over there so I’m following various sources on the Internet and from news outlets from abroad.

The part that fascinates me is the stories of hope. This morning I read that a man was found sitting on the roof of his house after the tsunami hit. The interesting aspect of this was that the man and his roof were 10 miles off the coast in the Pacific. Apparently he had survived the crushing waves and had drifted out there.

That gives me hope.

Watching video clips of the tsunami wiping out entire villages or hearing stories about how there are entire trains missing is very disheartening. Reading that nuclear power plants are thisclose to meltdown is scary. But the stories of hope and survival give us a moment of triumph in a horrible, unimaginable situation. I can’t imagine what folks are going through. I hope I never find out first hand.

In this day and age it’s rather fascinating to see how easy it is to donate to help those in Japan that need our assistance. Sending the message redcross to 90999 let’s you make a $10 donation charged to your cell phone bill. That’s kind of cool.

I wish I had the resources to go over and help. Instead, I hope the universe shares my thoughts and prayers with those that need them.

Milepost 109.

It was President’s Day 1978. School was closed for winter break. Mom didn’t work yet, so Dad rode to work with Gramps and Mom got the car for the day and took us to Syracuse to visit with Grandma City.

It was a typical day in the middle of February in Central New York. There were light flurries but nothing out of the ordinary. I don’t remember much of the visit with Gram, but I do remember that Grandpa was at work at the country club.

The snow started to pick up a little bit in the afternoon, so Mom thought we should head back home before it got really bad. We did live in the middle of the Lake Ontario snow belt, so the roads could get treacherous quickly. The windshield wiper switch was broken on the car and the only way to turn on the wipers was to pop the fuse back into place. The washer part didn’t work. Grandma gave Mom a bottle of windex and a roll of paper towels. If we had to pull over to clean the window, we would. We loaded up in the ’71 Heavy Chevy (my Dad’s muscle car) and headed north on Interstate 81.

As we crossed the bridge over Oneida Lake and into Oswego County, the snow picked up a little bit, but again, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for that time of year. I was sitting in the back seat, smack in the middle of the seat. I liked it there because I could see both Mom and Jennifer in the front seat. A small blue book, pocket sized, sat next to me. It was a book of Peanuts comics. I was reading them on and off.

As we approached Exit 32, Central Square, I remember begging my Mom to get off. “Let’s go home on Route 11.” For reasons I can’t explain, sirens were going off in my head. A sort of nine-year old spidey-sense, I suppose. “I just want to get home”, Mom said, as we passed the off ramp. “Johnny, move over, you’re blocking my mirror.” I moved into the seat behind my sister. I put my seat belt on, even though that wasn’t the thing to do back then. Heck, the shoulder belts for the front seat were the kind that got tacked up along the top part of the roof.

It started snowing a little more. We came around the curve where there’s a pretty good sized hill. An overpass crosses the hill about 2/3rds of the way down. Traffic was slowing. There were lights. It looked like a truck was stuck under the bridge. Mom was in the right lane. She down shifted into second. She looked in the mirror. I turned around and saw a truck. A really big truck. It was behind a blue Pinto.

Then there was a brief moment of blackness and a loud noise.

I opened my eyes. The car was crushed in around me behind the passenger seat. I could see the sky through the roof. My mom had grabbed her head, there was sharp metal over her where the roof used to be. The windshield was cracked. It was a round crack with spider marks. My sister looked up and screamed.

Blood. Blood coming from Mom’s head. The car was off and still in second. We were stopped.

“Is it bad?” The first words from my Mom. She could speak.

Jennifer started screaming and jumped up in the seat. The window wouldn’t go down, she just started screaming. “My mom! My mom!”

I said to mom, “We won’t need to get the windshield wipers fixed.”

I tried to push the back seat back into place. The side window was gone. The ceiling was coming down on me.

Mom started crying. Jennifer was screaming. People were running towards us. My chin hurt.

They got the passenger door open. Jennifer jumped out and then I pushed the seat forward. I left my book behind.

I remember thinking, “I’m walking on Route 81! People aren’t suppose to walk on Route 81” as I looked down at the pavement. We were being led to the Pinto. The woman smoked. She had a carton of cigarettes in the back seat. She was driving her new car home and had stopped for groceries.

A few minutes later a man named Harry came and asked where we lived. He had spoken to Mom. They were getting her out of the car putting her in the ambulance that had just arrived.

I then started crying.

“Please take my kids to their father.”

I remember hearing that. “I can get us there, I know where to go.”

“Johnny knows the way!” my sister screamed.

We got into a truck with a man we didn’t know. His name was Harry and he talked to the fire department and ambulance and got some information.

“Go to Sandy Creek. Dad’s store is there.”

I don’t remember much of the ride. I remember walking into the store and Dad looking puzzled. “We were in an accident”, I told Dad.

We were told to go into the office while the man we didn’t know talked to Dad. He couldn’t close the store. He made phone calls.

That night we had dinner with Aunt Maggie across the street before heading to Syracuse to see Mom. Her head was wrapped in a bandage and she had dozens of stitches across her head. She walked into the house and said “Mommy has a funny hat.” She was crying. She would be staying with Grandma and Grandpa City for a few days. We did too if we wanted to.

A few days later we went to the Exxon station at Exit 32, Central Square. There was the Heavy Chevy, no longer looking like the muscle car my Dad loved. We looked it over. Mom was crying.

“I’m sorry.” My dad was silent. Just before leaving, I reached through the mangled roof and grabbed my blue book, the one with the Peanuts comics. It was on the back window behind the passenger’s seat.

We were told repeatedly we were lucky to be alive. Mom kept trying to scrub the dirt off my chin. But it wasn’t dirt, it was a black and blue mark. I can show you the bald spot I now have in my beard from that black and blue mark.

This morning I sent my Mom an e-mail. “Don’t go north of the bridge, and if you do, get off at Central Square.”

She knew what I meant. I’m happy that I was able to tell her that, 33 years later.

22feb78.jpg
22feb78-1.jpg

Dreams.

I have been having very vivid dreams lately. I remember at least one dream every night, sometimes two. I faithfully write down the pertinent thoughts. Sometimes I act them out for anyone that happens to be in the house. I bet my little show would be less interesting if I was awake when I was acting them out. If the neighbors have ever looked out their window in the middle of the night they’ve probably seen my naked body standing in the window on more than one occasion. Earl guides me back to bed when I’m doing that, because I’m never awake when I’m revealing myself that way.

My dreams the past couple of nights have been very vivid. I have dreamed about flying, as in jumping onto an air current and soaring along the treetops. My hands are not out in front of me in a Superman pose, but at my sides. The wind is blowing against my face. The feeling of flying lingers on well after I have landed and the dream has come to an end.

The other night I dreamed about my Grandma Country. I hadn’t dreamed about her in quite a while and I must say it’s been too long since our last visit in the Dreamscape. Her presence helped me through the day yesterday when I was feeling a little blue. She always made me feel like I’m not so crazy after all.

Last night I dreamed about Grandma Country’s older sister, Aunt Rena. I think I know why Aunt Rena came around. We usually saw Aunt Rena around the holidays; as a widow she would come over for the holiday dinners and sit on the stool and visit with my grandmother during the dinner preparations. Aunt Rena always brought tossed salad, complete with radishes cut into rose petals, and “Mix”, which in contemporary times is called “Chex Mix”. Her Mix was always a little more homemade tasting than the Chex Mix you buy in a bag. The ladies on Grandma Country’s side of the family did that sort of thing pretty well.

Aunt Rena was a retired school teacher. She taught 3rd grade at the small school in town. I believe my Dad and his brother and sisters were all in her class. In fact, I think my grandmother was in her class, now that I think about it.

We rarely went to Aunt Rena’s house. The only occasion that we would really go over there is for trick or treating on Halloween. We’d get into the back of my aunt’s Datsun B210 and head over the Ridge Road to her house and get in as far as the front door. Her house was kept much like the way my grandmother kept house, very neat and orderly but still functional. We never made it passed the living room. We’d visit for a while, get a treat and then move on to the next relatives, usually Aunt Dutch’s, Aunt Dutch being another one of the sisters. Her house was neat and orderly too.

Aunt Clara on Bewitched reminds me of my Aunt Rena a little bit. Very smart, but a little bit bumbling. Aunt Rena wasn’t nearly as bumbly as Aunt Clara but her heart seemed to be as big. I kind of wish I had the opportunity to get to know her better.

At least I got to chat with her last night during my dream.

Mortality.

I never had the chance to meet Sam Storicks in person. We had chatted through Facebook and Twitter on numerous occasions, usually one liners here and there; I also followed his DJ gigs at various bear events all over the western part of the country. I kept tabs on his music selection and the specific remixes he chose for his performance sets. His commentary on the human experience often made me laugh out loud. He said things I wish I had the balls to say.

Sam’s partner found him unconscious on the 18th and he passed away Friday night. He would have been 31 in September.

I had always wanted to meet him for several reasons; even though he was 10 years my junior he was a better DJ than me and he had a great ear for music. He spun at gigs that I only dreamed of spinning at. And from what I have read from the hundreds of comments and memories and the like on Twitter and Facebook, he had one of those unique personalities that shined brightly wherever he was. And he had one of the better bear411 profiles out there – it was genuine, just as I pictured him to be.

Rest in peace, fellow DJ and internet friend. I’m certain you’re leading the party on the other side.

Yoko.

I follow Yoko Ono on Twitter. I don’t exactly know how I stumbled across her Twitter feed but once or twice a day she’ll tweet something profound and this will make me think. I have never been a fan of her music work, though I do enjoy the remix of “You’re The One”. I have to admit, though, that I am a fan of what she has to say.

Her Tweets are always positive in nature and are usually short; something like “Today tell someone how beautiful your hometown is” will appear on her feed. I did tell someone that very thing that day and it made me smile.

Earlier today I tweeted something Yoko-esque: “Feed the soul and a smile will surely follow.” It made me smile and if it made one other person think, smile or ponder then I have been successful.

Thanks.

So it’s Thanksgiving here in the United States. Earl and I are once again spending the time together here at The Manor and I wouldn’t really want it any other way. Thanksgiving seems to be the holiday that means “home” the most to me, so I am very content with the low-key vibe we have going on. We are going to be eating our delicious meal shortly.

Thanksgiving Dinner.

I left a voicemail on my mother’s cell phone earlier today that pretty much summed up the way I’m feeling: “I’m thankful for it all – everything that has happened in the past and everything that I have today. I wouldn’t change a thing.” I think this aptly sums up the way I feel about my life and the help I’m having navigating through it.

It seems the news is filled with various definitions of family. On this day of thanks I am very thankful for our family and every component of it. I know how blessed I am to have the biological family that I have; I love them for who they are just as much as they love me for who I am. The sentiment continues through to my in-laws as well. But I’m also thankful for the rest of my family; the one that lives with us, the ones that drift in and out as their schedules allow and the ones I call my friends. We may not fit the (XX+XY)+kids=family equation, but as I said in the aforementioned voicemail, I wouldn’t change a thing. My family, all facets of it, have contributed into making me the man I am today.

And for that I am thankful.

Freeing.

You have undoubtedly heard that Carrie Prejean, the Miss California USA 2009 titleholder that rocked the gay rights discussions here in the U.S. by sharing her beliefs that “opposite marriage” should be upheld recently dropped a lawsuit against the producers of Miss California USA when a sex video she had made was brought to the public spotlight. Last night she appeared on Larry King and brought the interview to a screeching halt because Larry took a call from a gay caller. She’s a little uptight.

Up until the release of the sex-act video she was the media darling of the right-wing anti-gay marriage folks.

She apparently dropped her lawsuit based on the release of this video where she performs “solo sex act”, in which she is easily identified as the solo performer. Those that considered her a media darling are shocked at her behaviour, for they believe that acts like that are violating the Lord’s Temple aka the human body. They are a little uptight.

Here’s the thing. I am going to preface this by saying that I believe Ms. Prejean is a hypocrite to the Nth degree and those casting stones shouldn’t live in glass houses and all that. But honestly, if Ms. Prejean wanted to make that video for her boyfriend or whatever, she shouldn’t be scorned for making a sex video. She should be scorned for being a hypocrite. Sex is a healthy, natural biological function of the human body and one that happens to be very much enjoyed by 99.5% of the people that engage in it. If it was wrong, it wouldn’t feel so good. Good is not evil. Oh, I will state right here and now that I have no desire to see Ms. Prejean’s video. No siree. But the human body, no matter what it’s doing or what position it’s in, is a pretty incredible thing. Not only is it incredible, but it’s beautiful. It’s a piece of art.

One of the many things that I think my mom did right in raising my sister and me is teach us to be comfortable with our bodies. Fat, short, tall, thin and in any variety of colours, we have what we have and if we’re not happy with it, we should strive to improve it; but we should never be ashamed of who we are, what we look like or how we present ourselves. I’m not a nudist. There are no nudists in my family. But I enjoy being naked and have been to places where I could be naked in public and quite frankly, it’s a liberating experience. Perhaps Ms. Prejean felt liberated by making this video. I don’t think that’s the bad part of this whole scandal, it’s the hypocritical attitude that was brought to light by this video that I think is the bad part of this whole drawn out saga.

Last night I was up rather late. Earl had gone to bed early in preparation for a 6 a.m. flight this morning and Jamie was busying himself elsewhere in the house. As I sat in my studio I realised that one corner of the room might make a good backdrop for a couple of photos. I thought the white cinder blocks with contrasting shadows in the corner would look great. So I set up that camera and readied myself for a couple of self portraits. After a few shots I decided to take one of the photos completely nude. The experience was liberating and I felt more grounded, yet free, than I have in front of a camera in a while. I posted the bare-chested, waist up version on my Flickr account, with no restrictions on visibility. I then posted the full-length nude version on the same account1 but with some search and content restrictions (it can’t be found through a random search nor will it appear in my Flickr badge) and restricted viewing access to only the people that I have friended. This wasn’t the first time2 that I have been nude in front of a camera and shared it with the world. It won’t be the last.

And you know what? I’m kind of proud of that.

1 I won’t post the photo on my blog so that people have a choice as to whether they want to see it or not. Just ask through e-mail and I’ll give you access.

2 The first time was actually back in 1993 when I did a photo shoot with my friend Kevin. The creatively cropped/rated PG version is available here.

Back.

So I am back from my Big Geek Adventure. I decided to skip the social networking thing for a couple of days and kind of just go searching for myself while I was roaming around exploring. I saw a lot of leaves, had an incredible bike ride (in which I forgot the camera) and spent some time assessing where I am in my life at 41+ years old and where I want to go from here. I feel more grounded and complete than I have felt in a very long time. I have plans to be implemented and I learned a lot about myself in many different areas of my life. I knew I just needed to get out so that I would be able to clear out my head.

Yesterday I made the long trip home in one big chunk. I drove nearly 700 miles to get back home, taking 12 hours to do so. Traffic from Washington, D.C. to York, Pa. was out of control due to weather. Once I got north of Harrisburg, Pa. Mother Nature decided to throw her comments on the drive and I found myself driving in snow. The hilltops had about an inch of snow but the roads were just wet. The scenery was incredibly beautiful as I made my way through the twilight. The snow gave way to wet leaves above Scranton, Pa., by the time I was about an hour from home the roads were dry and the sky was clear.

The Jeep doesn’t accommodate the iPhone very well so I opted to flip around the radio for most of the ride. I found myself landing on a country station and ended up listening to country music for the entire 12 hours on the ride home. (That cheering you hear is from my mother.) I haven’t really listened to country since I left the radio station in ’04 but I really liked what I heard.

One song that all the stations played in their “new music” category was Lady Antebellum and “Need You Now” (YouTube link). I really like this song. I found the artist and title using the Shazam app on my iPhone to identify songs for later purchase. If you’re not familiar with Shazam, it allows you to point your mobile device at a speaker and take a sample of a song and then it will identify the artist and title of that song for you. You need to have an internet connection while you’re doing it. The iPhone app works brilliantly and allowed me to purchase from iTunes if I was so inclined. It also tweeted my discoveries, so if you were following my Twitter updates you’ll note that I was discovering a few country songs here and there along the ride. I reprogrammed my radio when I got back home and I now have the local country stations just one button away.