December 28, 2005

An Old Friend.

I’ve been doing some work on our media center this week as I’m busy building a computer for the main entertainment system so we can play computer videos, pictures and such on our big television.

As I was messing around with our TiVo tonight, I ran across Xena:Warrior Princess on Logo. I didn’t know Logo was showing the series, but as a huge fan of the show I’m quite glad that they are, so she’s back on our Season Pass list.

There was a quote from tonight’s episode, “The Debt II”, that I particularly liked. It has a spiritual flair to it so I decided to add it to my journal. I’ll share…

“The entire world is driven by a will– blind and ruthless.
In order to transcend the limitations of that world,
    you need to stop willing.
Stop desiring. Stop hating.
To conquer others is to have power; to conquer yourself is to know the way.”

Extreme Same.

With the approach of every new year, I have traditionally formulated a list of all the things I want to change about myself. I’m going to be more outgoing. I’m going to spend less time on the computer. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to exercise more. I’ve often thought of the new year as the perfect time to do an extreme makeover of myself, to come up with J.P. v2005 or whatever and do a complete re-imaging.

This year I have no desire to do that. It’s the first time in my adult life that I’ve felt this way.

Oh, I have things that I want to do, but I don’t feel the pressing need to correct any perceived faults or to better myself to a pre-conceived image of how I should be, rather than how I am.

Perhaps this is the first time in a long time that I’ve been happy with the way I am.

I don’t think I come off as too repulsive when I meet people face to face or interact with others. I’m no longer afraid to keep things that bother me to myself. I’m no longer afraid to joke with strangers in a public space. I’m no longer constantly measuring myself to the standard of “will they like me” or “do they think I am weird.” Yes, I am likeable and yes, I am eccentric. Big deal. Love me or leave me.

The packaging isn’t that bad either. I’m comfortable in my own skin, so I don’t feel the need to shed a ton of weight. I’m too lazy to do that anyway. I’ll probably continue to grow my beard and shave my head – I’d like to grow my beard until we vacation in May. If that makes people roll their eyes, so be it. It’s my face. And I can’t see myself with a head of hair anymore, I couldn’t even grow a full head of hair if I tried and I’ve accepted that.

I’m going to do more cycling this year. Now that I have a handle on how my on-call weeks for work actually work, I’ve figured out a good way manage recreation and work all together. Will I fall down in a rejected mess if I don’t do a lot of cycling? No, I won’t. Its for fun, no sense in beating myself up over it.

So there’s no Resolution Revolution this year. I’m just me.


Today I start a couple of days of training work. I have to drive to our other office, 50 miles away, for the next two days. Have I mentioned that I’m not a morning person? I’m sitting here staring at my laptop screen like a mindless zombie and I’m not even certain of my full given name.

I think I’ll take a nap on the way. Is it safe to zone out on long commutes?