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That Would Suck.

My pager had gone off in the middle of the night again for the third night in a row. Some produce company in the bowels of Syracuse had lost their phone service and it was time to become SuperTech; no time for tights, no time for a thunder clap, a flash of lightning or an orchestral accompaniment as I made the change, I’d had to act fast and I had to do it in the buff.

After burning what’s left of my eyesight out staring into the bright LCD in the dark of night, I did what I needed to do, involved the people that needed to be involved and forwarded said produce company’s main phone to a cell phone, I kicked back on the futon, hoping to catch the last hour of sleep before having to really get up to start the day.

It was then that I thought, “you know, it’d really suck if I were to die in my sleep right now.”

I realize that a thought like that is quite morbid, but when you’ve been jarred awake for the past several nights by the shriek of your friendly work pager, odd things start floating around in your brain.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. At all. Despite what the bible beaters will have you believe, I just know in my heart and soul that there *has* to be something better than this on the other side. I just know it. This can’t be all that there is because, well, that would really suck. Think about it; if the meaning of life is making money for “the man” and trudging around with a bunch of basically insane lunatics in every facet of life, then life would suck royally and I don’t believe that the Universe would have it that way. No I think this is a proving ground. You do well, you go on to a better place. If you have more lessons to learn, well, then it’s try, try, try again for you.

After having these thoughts all race through my head, I decided that I would skip the futon, take my chances with another jarring pager announcement and snuggle up next to Earl. Because if I go, I’m going to go a happy man.


Erie Canal Trail.

Originally uploaded by macwarriorny.

Happy Summer Solstice. In the Wiccan tradition, today is Litha. It is the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. Today is officially the first day of summer.

To celebrate the nature-based spiritual vibe I’ve been feeling today, I took a nicely-paced, energetic walk. My walk took me along the historic Erie Canal. It was there that the sounds of the nearby roadways faded away and the sounds of nature came forward with birds singing their song, fish jumping a little bit in the canal and small creatures rustling around in the brush along the trail.

I often use the evening of summer solstice to take a step back and figure out how I’m feeling about things these days. Who am I kidding, I’m always doing that but I like to think it’s a little more special on the longest day of the year. For once, I think I’ll keep my thoughts and observations private and instead I’ll just say, “It’s all good”.

Sunset on Lock 20.

Here is the sun setting on Erie Canal Lock 20. It was a little bit after 9 p.m. (or 2100, as I like to think of it) when I took this picture. A cyclist riding from Buffalo to Albany along the canal trail had just set up camp for the night. I didn’t want to be rude and include his picture on the internet, but I nodded a hello in his direction as he busied himself with his tent.

Happy Litha.



Originally uploaded by macwarriorny.

Once in a while I need a slap upside the head from The Universe to remind me that when you look at “the big picture”, it’s really not that bad.

Work has been less than spectacular this morning. My non-Windows nature is running a little contrary to the Microsoft centric thinking of the company I work for. This gets me a little frustrated. I let it affect my mood, which I know I shouldn’t.

But then I get home and see a beautiful sight which I tried to capture to share on my blog. This little plant is the newest addition to our landscaping, having been brought home at the end of last month. The weather hasn’t shown her much sunshine since her arrival, however, today’s beautiful day has given her the opportunity to let her beauty bloom.

Seeing this flower today turned my mood completely around. I have a smile on my face once again and I’m ready to enjoy my afternoon at work.

Sometimes we need a little nudge from the little things to remind us that all in all, we can’t a little speck of dust on the big picture bring us down.

Speaking Of Dreams…

While I’m on the subject of dreams (see previous post), I must be really centered and focused lately because my dreams have been very vivid and very memorable.

It seems like every relative of mine that has passed on has been in my dreams over the past couple of weeks. Even people that I’ve never met are coming around to say hi. One of the oddest encounters was comedian Peggy Cass. Now I haven’t watched “To Tell The Truth” in about 15 years, but there was Peggy Cass, in glorious technicolor in my mind. She was telling me about Kitty Carlisle and how she’ll just live forever. Very odd.

A number of months ago I had a dream, or rather I like to call it an encounter, with my cousin who passed at a young age. It was a beautiful experience and as I type this and think back on it, it sort of makes me tear up now. Ever since that night, I’ve had more and more dreams or encounters with relatives that have passed on. It’s almost like Lindsey went and turned a neon light on over my bed and said “hey, he gets it, go say hi!” Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cats, dogs, old movie stars, Bewitched characters; they’re all coming around and saying hello while I sleep peacefully and occasionally call out in my sleep, only to startle Earl, myself and the cat awake. It’s not a bad feeling by any means. I find the whole thing quite fascinating.

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I’m feeling all spiritual today. I don’t know if it’s because I slept surprisingly well last night, because I had a rather sedate weekend or if it’s because maybe I have indigestion or something, but I’ve been thinking this morning about this whole chaotic existence we call life.

As a reincarnationist, I believe that we all have a journey to follow down a pre-chosen path. We are here for a reason and that’s to experience all we can experience and then learn from what we’ve encountered. As we reincarnate, we subconsciously know what we’ve learned in previous lives, though we can’t remember the specifics, and then we add more to our “knowledgebase” as we continue to move down our chosen course.

Remembering these beliefs helps me curb frustration I feel towards people that I view as acting rather idiotic. The person that drove through the red light. The woman that pushed an elderly man out of the way in the grocery store. The man that seems to be stumbling his way through life, making one bumbling mistake after another. I just tell myself that these people are learning, just as I’m learning how to be less frustrated and more tolerant of others. Some of us have reincarnated more, jumping into the pool with both feet and swimming to the other side so that we just get back up on the diving board and do it all over again, while others stick their toes in, try the water out for a little bit and then sit and watch from the sidelines for a while before doing it again.

Some people don’t like the idea of a pre-chosen destiny. “You’re destined to be smart.” “He’s going to be rich and famous.” “She’s going to die at a young age.” When these things occur, not only is the subject learning from the experience, but those around them are learning from the experience as well. LIfe is a great puzzle where all the pieces fit together in an intricate pattern.

Next time you’re sitting somewhere, depressed because whatever is happening doesn’t seem right, instead of thinking about how dreadful the situation is, try to concentrate on learning from what’s wrong with it and what you need to do to make it right.

Gosh, that previous paragraph sounds quite preachy and bossy. But it’s something that I’ve just figured out for myself over the past couple of months. And I just needed to share.

An Old Friend.

I’ve been doing some work on our media center this week as I’m busy building a computer for the main entertainment system so we can play computer videos, pictures and such on our big television.

As I was messing around with our TiVo tonight, I ran across Xena:Warrior Princess on Logo. I didn’t know Logo was showing the series, but as a huge fan of the show I’m quite glad that they are, so she’s back on our Season Pass list.

There was a quote from tonight’s episode, “The Debt II”, that I particularly liked. It has a spiritual flair to it so I decided to add it to my journal. I’ll share…

“The entire world is driven by a will– blind and ruthless.
In order to transcend the limitations of that world,
    you need to stop willing.
Stop desiring. Stop hating.
To conquer others is to have power; to conquer yourself is to know the way.”

Happy Yule.

Today is the winter solstice. In the northern hemisphere, today has the shortest amount of sunlight. Believe it or not, days start getting longer until summer begins in June.

When I left for work this morning around 6:30, the moon was still shining brightly and the sun was just starting to peek over the horizon. I find moonlit darkness so enchanting. I revel in the twilight. I feel closest to being on my game when it’s dark outside. Humans aren’t suppose to be nocturnal, but I truly think I’m an exception to the rule.

I found a very interesting description of Yule here. As I read the article, I must admit that I found the history behind the holidays of the season very interesting. Perhaps in 2006 I will devote some serious study along these lines so that I don’t feel as uninformed as I do right now when it comes to spiritual topics.

So while some groups are arguing on what to call this season, please take a well wisher’s “Happy Holidays” in the spirit in which it was intended. After all, regardless of the celebration this truly is a joyous season.

Happy Yule. And Blessed Be.

Dreaming With Angels.

Early this morning I had the most interesting dream. As I look back on it, it’s odd to refer to it as a dream, because it seems to have been more of an experience. Whatever it was, the effects from it have lingered with me all day long.

Anyways, in the dream I was no longer living in my body. I was fully aware of who I was, I knew myself to be ‘me’. I could go anyplace I wished by just thinking about it. I could fly by just wishing to fly, not in a Superman sort of way as I definitely was not wearing red tights in this dream, but I could float to whereever I wanted to go and it felt like second nature. I flew over a very large valley with twinkling crystal-like lights and vibrant purples, blues, silvers and golds for as far as the eye could see. The sky was almost a rose color.

The colors in this dream were beyond brilliant. They were breathtaking. The color of anything and everything was more colorful than anything we have here in reality. It was as if the color itself had a life of its own.

So here I am, basically a ghost or spirit or soul just walking and flying about. I can see my loved ones; Earl, my sister, my mom and dad, but they can’t see me. I touch them and they seem to have an impression of me, but they can’t actually see or hear me. As I touch them, I know that they feel comfort. Contentment. They don’t seem particularly sad without my touch, its just the feeling my presence makes them feel even better. (Perhaps someone is telling me that I’m full of myself?)

Then all of a sudden, there is a bright, golden apparition appearing next to me. As the being appears, I realize it’s my cousin’s daughter Lindsey, who passed away nearly two years ago. As I look at her, she is absolutely breathtaking beautiful. Now Lindsey was a beautiful young woman when she passed, and here her beauty is, well, accelerated, by the inner golden glow that I see all around her. She is infinitely happy. She tells me to write in my blog that “it’s all good, the best is really yet to come.” She then vanishes with a flash of gold and the hint of a giggle, and literally jumps on to the wings of the wind.

I then woke up, feeling wonderful for the most part but with just a hint of sadness because I couldn’t fly anymore. I wish my writing ability could accurately convey how I felt during my dream and how I feel today.

But sometimes words just don’t do it justice.

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What I’m Thankful For.

Thanksgiving Day 2005.

Originally uploaded by macwarriorny.

Today is a little bit different from a traditional Thanksgiving for us. Due to work obligations, we are celebrating Thanksgiving with just the two of us. Earl has been working hard in the kitchen preparing the feast, and I’m told that it’ll be ready at 2:00 p.m. (It’s a little after 1 p.m. as I write this). I’ve set up PowerBook on the kitchen table to keep him company as he busies himself with the preparations. I have instructions to just let him do his thing. I have a hunch that I’ll help on the cleanup.

Here’s a link to some pictures from our dinner.

We’ve both chatted with our relatives today, on the phone and/or on instant messenger. My sister, currently in Moscow, didn’t even remember that it was Thanksgiving until I reminded her last night. That was a little bit of an odd conversation.

There’s many things that I am thankful for, and I’d like to share them with you. I’m sure my mother will make a speech at dinner with her brother and his family today, and her little Thanksgiving speech usually ends up with tears in the gravy and sobs in the sweet potatoes. I strive not to go to that extreme.

First of all, I’m thankful for all that Earl and I have. Our relationship, our home, our existence. We are closing in on ten years together next spring, and it’s a journey that has been nothing short of wonderous. I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead.

I’m thankful for both of our families, all sides in all places, as they accept for who and what we are. While similar couples have trouble in that area, we are both truly blessed.

I’m thankful for the unwavering and unconditional companionship and love from our son Tom. He’s a cat’s cat.

I’m thankful for the friends that we have; Tim and Steve, Tim and Gordon, Eric, Mike C, Tony, Earl, Jeff and all our new friends in Buffalo. All my co-workers and my blog friends too like Terry in Mich., Jay in N.Y. and Thom in Va. – I hope that we can meet face to face someday. Thanks for helping me come out of my shell.

And I thank the Universe everyday for all the blessings that we have found along our journey. It truly is a blessed path.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Soak In Some Sun.

Soak In Some Sun.

Originally uploaded by macwarriorny.

Sometimes you just need a little sunshine at lunch time to get you back in your groove.
Earl is on his way home from his business trip. Work is going well. I have many friends. I have a wonderful family. It’s all good.

Here are the lyrics to a great song. I find this track to be quite “crank worthy”. Heather Small was the lead vocalist in the R&B/dance group “M-People” from the mid 1990s, most famous for their top 10 hit “Movin’ On Up”.


“Proud”, Heather Small, from the ‘Queer As Folk Season 5’ soundtrack

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I’ve left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don’t know
Realise that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can’t stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It’s never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
‘Cause I can see a clear horizon