You would think that being a full-time college student with minimal work responsibilities would afford me the opportunity to do the grocery shopping in our merry little home. Yet somehow I get out of it week after week. When Earl opens a cupboard and sees nothing but emptiness, I bark out “I’ve got homework to do!” by reflex and open any random book that happens to be close by. I may be a Civil Engineering student but by god if I have to write a paper on the Betty Crocker’s cookbook to get out of grocery shopping, then that’s what I’ll do! I wonder if there has been some sort of Pavlov’s dog training in my past.
I really dislike grocery shopping. I’ve tried all sorts of tactics to make it a pleasant experience. Earl and I have sung cereal commercial jingles from the 70s in the appropriate aisle. I’ve recited the “Here’s his ancient Chinese secret, Calgon!” commercial verbatim. I’ve juggled the returnable cans. I’ve made obnoxious dump truck back-up noises while moving my cart through produce. I’ve even tried the whole experience nearly passed out drunk. Nothing. I find no joy in the grocery shopping experience (not even the nap in the cart next to the deli counter after I did pass out drunk).
The only time I enjoy going to the market is when we are able to get to Wegmans. Grocery shopping at Wegmans is nearly a religious experience. The food is fresher, the tempo of the store is livelier, the asses are cuter. There’s more interesting potions in the Health and Beauty Aisle and there’s more intoxicating natural freshness in the Nature’s Way arena. Anyone that claims that a non-Wegmans store is “like Wegmans” or “nearly the same thing” gets a prompt slap across the face in the name of blasphemy. Unfortunately the closest Wegmans to us is 50 miles away. Our noodles go limp when they have to travel that far to make it to the cupboard. So we settle for second rate freshness and premium prices.
Looking through the cupboards tonight, I have a horrid feeling that we are going to need to go grocery shopping before the week is out. Perhaps Earl is in the mood to dine out.
Or at least read my paper on how to make a good cupcake.
