J.P.

One of the requirements of going to college in the lovely state of New York is that you have to have record of two doses of an “MMR” vaccine, to immunize yourself against measles, mumps and ruebella. These doses can be in the form of vaccines or by actually having said diseases, you just need to provide documentation to your college health center so that they can tell the state that you’re a healthy student.

I think I mentioned a while back that coming up with documentation to prove that I have already had the vaccine has been difficult. My elementary and high school health records are sketchy as Nurse Needles apparently didn’t believe in thorough documentation. My health records for when I was a child and when I was at college have both been shredded. However, the college was willing to accept what little proof I did have as one dose of the vaccines. All I needed to do was get a second dose or blood work to prove that I’m already immune.

Now let’s all keep in mind that if I was a part-time student, a member of the faculty or other college staff member, I would have no need to show this documentation. Apparently in New York State only full-time students are capable of spreading the plague; teachers, part-time students and other staff are already immune by virtue of not being full-time. Oh yes, in addition it’s impossible for me to spread the aforementioned diseases before February 15 because I have until then to prove that I’m immune.

I had a physical with my doctor a couple of weeks ago and he said that this would be no problem, we’d simply include the screening to make sure I was immune with the routine blood work. I’d then turn in the documentation to the college and I’d be free and clear.

Wrong.

My blood tests came back today indicating that I was *probably* immune from measles, mumps and ruebella, but it is not an absolute certainty. Therefore, any of Nurse Needles documentation that I had provided was null and void and I need to get two doses of the MMR vaccine, 30 days apart, before Feburary 15 or they will come into the classroom and force me off the college campus.

I think this is stupid.

First of all, the documentation I have says that I received my first MMR in April 1969. Bzzzzz. New York State says you have to have it within four days of your first birthday or it doesn’t count. So back in the day Dr. Hoedown jumped the gun and gave me my vaccination too early. Apparently I have infected everyone around me since then because it wasn’t within four days of my first birthday. I have survived spinal meningitis, I have seen the white light, I have lived through what should have been a fatal car crash, but by god I need to get my measles, mumps and ruebella vaccine right away before I bring the plague upon Mohawk Valley Community College.

Secondly, I’ve already gone to college. I’ve already proved all this, but that’s right, they shredded all my documents. So tomorrow I get to go to the county health clinic where I’ll get me my first of two vaccines. If they make me sick, I’m suing everyone within eyeshot and in Albany.

Where do I get the vaccine against ridiculous government bureaucracy?

It’s another beautiful day in Upstate New York and today is the first “real” day of 2007. I just got off the phone with my sister and she asked “How is the first day as houseboy?”. Isn’t she humorous. The house is still standing, there hasn’t been any cleaning catastrophes and I haven’t killed any of the smattering of seniors at the grocery store, so all in all I would say it’s been a success. The true test will be to see if Earl survives my homemade spaghetti sauce tonight.

I had forgotten that shopping at the grocery store in the middle of the day is a completely diffferent experience from shopping at night or on the weekend. The pace is a slower, a lot, lot slower. Daytime shoppers are afraid of the new-fangled self-serve checkouts. Those that venture to the self-serve lane are afraid to touch here to start. They need guidance. Cars and carts move in completely random directions. People block aisles to gossip. All that can be seen behind the steering wheel of the randomly moving cars is a pile of hair. The speed limits on the road change by a prescribed formula: take the posted limit, divide it by two and then subtract your age, remove the negative sign and then ignore the result and anyone around you.

Yet, everyone I encountered can live to read my tale. I must be mellowing out or something.

So here it is, a brand new year. Everyone gets a chance to start fresh as a whole new year lies before us. What occurred in 2006 happened last year so we needn’t worry about it any longer, because this is a new year. The world is new!

It was at approximately 8:00 p.m. this evening that I said to myself, “OH MY GOD”.

Tomorrow marks my first day of this new life I’ve chosen as a struggling student. Since I am now unemployed and eager to impress my lover tomorrow (as the new cook of the house), I was installed in the kitchen cutting up vegetables to be packed with his lunch this week. After breezing through that task with all my fingers and toes still intact, I decided I would make us tuna salad sandwiches. It was then that I realized that at 38 years old while I had traveled in three countries, 42 states and had heard several different words for the carbonated beverage we call soda, I had never made tuna salad before in my life. Ever. Armed with several cookbooks from Williams-Sonoma, I can confidently say that while I can find ways to make things like Coq Au Vin, Lobster Thermador and Filet Mignon Almondine, there are no recipes for tuna salad to be found. Not even next to the picture of the smiling fish on the Chicken of the Sea can. I did find a guide to stuffing a tomato with tuna, but that looked rather risky for my first adventure as lunch line lady.

Now I know why my mother had her nose in that red and white checked cookbook back when we were kids. That’s where all the secrets are! All I can say is thank goodness for the internet. I found a lovely little recipe for tuna salad. I blended the recommended ingredients together and it came out looking like something edible. I didn’t have pickle relish as recommended so I chopped up some sweet pickles and threw in some of the juice. I was proud of myself for improvising.

I’m hoping that Earl is a good sport about my first attempt at making tuna salad, because there’s one other thing I learned from my mother: how to swipe a plate of food away from someone that’s complaining about it and then stuff it down the disposer.

Let’s hope we both survive tomorrow’s lunch to tell another tale.

Earl and I just got back from seeing the movie “Dreamgirls”. I am just blown away by Jennifer Hudson’s performance, heck I was blown away by the entire performance. Jennifer rendition of “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” is nothing short of amazing. I have never been in a movie theatre where the audience got on their feet, applauded and cheered for a character in the middle of the movie, but that’s what happened tonight. I had tears streaming down my cheeks after hearing her incredible performance. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Beyoné, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Foxx and the rest of the cast are wonderful. The movie is beyond spectacular. You must see it.

It’s the last day of 2006. Today is the day to reflect on the events of the past year, ponder why we humans do what we do and wonder why we’ve eaten so much for the past month and a half. It’s also a time to thank whomever is responsible that our pants haven’t burst at the seam while standing in line at the mall for another barrel of popcorn coated in chocolate, caramel, candy or all of the above.

I like to think of myself as a constant, fluid effort in refinement. In truth I occasionally feel like I’ve taken a wrong turn on the path of life, so I wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Oddly enough, I’m not feeling this way with the arrival of the New Year; I already have so many changes that lie ahead that it seems kind of silly to be making a list of resolutions. Nevertheless, like everyone else I hope to live a healthier lifestyle in 2007. The advertising folks have already started blasting us with an infinite number of ways to remind us why we’re ugly, fat and shunned by our peers. For just $19.95 a month for the rest of your life you can enjoying better living through chemistry by unnaturally surpressing your appetite completely, gnawing at foods that even the astronauts wouldn’t touch in the deep reaches of orbit and then accompany the effort with the promise of explosive bowels at any random moment.

I’ve never believed in the quick fix to your health and I’m not going bite this time around either.

I have what I believe is a realistic, obtainable goal outside of school and career that I’d like to accomplish by the end of August. I’m going to ride the entire length of New York State from the Newburgh bridge at the Hudson River to the shores of Lake Erie in Barcelona, N.Y. by bicycle. That my goal and I’m hoping that a healthier lifestyle will fall naturally into place. I’ve remarked several times over the past couple of years that I’d like to do that; by going back to school I believe I’ll have the opportunity to attain that task. It’s going to happen this year. No compromise.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Years’ Eve celebration. I also wish that everyone has the same sense of awe and excitement that I have about 2007. No matter how dark and cloudy the day may be, look up and seek out that stray ray of sunshine.

Life is good.

Like most people, every once in a while I’ll get a song stuck in my head. Unfortunately, when this happens, my moderately OCD tendencies kick in and I start obsessing about the aforementioned song. I’ll hum it, I’ll think about it, I’ll obsess about it until it comes to a sweet resolution where the Universe finally presents me with this tune in it’s natural setting. The trouble is, there’s no way for this song to get to me in it’s natural setting at the moment. That’s because for the past two days I’ve had the theme song to the sitcom Alice stuck in my head.

As of late I’ve come to know this process as “Lavinization”.

Alice was on CBS for nine seasons. I remember watching first run episodes on Sunday nights and reruns weekdays at 10:30 before The Price Is Right. A multi-talented individual, Linda Lavin not only starred as “Alice” but she also sang the theme song, back when television shows had theme songs that lasted more than five seconds (the good ‘ol days). Always the performer, Ms. Lavin recorded at least one different version of the theme song per season.

To make a long story short, I currently have the second season, first variation of this song stuck in my head. Funniest thing, the saddest part is I never knew why. It’s just stuck in my head, playing over and over.

I have to admit it’s kind of groovy. The wurlitzer organ in this particular version that’s playing in my head is a bit trippy. The accompanying images are a little hazy but after all, things are great when you stand on your own two feet.

Today I’m Lavinized. If you’d like to join me, check out this site. Unfortunately, the particular version I’m hearing is not on the linked page!

Lavinized.