I knew this day would come sooner or later. I’ve been putting it off for a very long time, but it’s time to face the music. I had another visit with the urologist today, which involved a fun little procedure called a cystoscopy! For the faint of heart, you may wish to wait until tomorrow’s tale of merriment…
I had been advised not to urinate for an hour before my appointment, so I could give a “good, healthy” urine sample. As a precaution, I had an extra glass of water with lunch AND a bottle of water while en route to the doctor’s office.
I’m an idiot.
Of course the doctor was running late, and I ended up going in to the exam room about 20 minutes after my reservation. So, while it wasn’t showing on the outside, I was certainly doing the “pee-pee” dance on the inside. And just for the record, someone in that office has a sick sense of humor, because they have a waterfall in the waiting room. When I inquired about it, they informed me it was there to encourage patients to urinate! “Ha ha ha, let’s watch the urology patients try to hold back their urine! Ha ha!”
So I had to go to the bathroom in this computerized toilet that didn’t even have the decency to do a bidet type thing afterwards, then they ran an ultrasound machine over my bladder afterwards to see if I had completely emptied my bladder. I hadn’t. This computerized toilet measured how much I went, how fast and for how long. I was waiting for a “TILT” light to come on, but no such thing happened. “I guess you really had to go! The waterfall did it’s trick!”
So after the fun of super toilet and the ultrasound, I was informed that I was getting the works, which included the cystoscopy to see what the insides of my dink looked like. So there I was, pants down around my ankles with a crowd looking over my personal parts from the inside out. I hadn’t had a crowd look down there since that time in the woods back in 1994! Long story short, I have scar tissue in the urethra (R-E-S-P-E-C-T) again and it has to be removed.
The saga continues in March.
I had the exact surgery 19 years ago, almost to the day, to accomplish the same thing. Apparently the doctor back then didn’t do it right, because the scar tissue came back. The sexy part? After this outpatient surgery I get to go home with a catheter for a week. As uncomfortable and inconvenient that that sounds, I guess I’m glad to be finally correcting this problem after living with it for 30 years or so. Damn that summer day back in the mid 1970s when I rode my bike in to the barn wall, smashing my parts against the handlebars! So I’ll have the surgery on a Thursday, recover Friday through Sunday and then go to work for three days with a catheter and slosh around the office. I can sit at my desk and pee at the same time! How often can you say that about your work day?
Maybe I should just go the studly route and ask for the newest bionics to be installed on my dink.