January 2, 2007


One of the requirements of going to college in the lovely state of New York is that you have to have record of two doses of an “MMR” vaccine, to immunize yourself against measles, mumps and ruebella. These doses can be in the form of vaccines or by actually having said diseases, you just need to provide documentation to your college health center so that they can tell the state that you’re a healthy student.

I think I mentioned a while back that coming up with documentation to prove that I have already had the vaccine has been difficult. My elementary and high school health records are sketchy as Nurse Needles apparently didn’t believe in thorough documentation. My health records for when I was a child and when I was at college have both been shredded. However, the college was willing to accept what little proof I did have as one dose of the vaccines. All I needed to do was get a second dose or blood work to prove that I’m already immune.

Now let’s all keep in mind that if I was a part-time student, a member of the faculty or other college staff member, I would have no need to show this documentation. Apparently in New York State only full-time students are capable of spreading the plague; teachers, part-time students and other staff are already immune by virtue of not being full-time. Oh yes, in addition it’s impossible for me to spread the aforementioned diseases before February 15 because I have until then to prove that I’m immune.

I had a physical with my doctor a couple of weeks ago and he said that this would be no problem, we’d simply include the screening to make sure I was immune with the routine blood work. I’d then turn in the documentation to the college and I’d be free and clear.


My blood tests came back today indicating that I was *probably* immune from measles, mumps and ruebella, but it is not an absolute certainty. Therefore, any of Nurse Needles documentation that I had provided was null and void and I need to get two doses of the MMR vaccine, 30 days apart, before Feburary 15 or they will come into the classroom and force me off the college campus.

I think this is stupid.

First of all, the documentation I have says that I received my first MMR in April 1969. Bzzzzz. New York State says you have to have it within four days of your first birthday or it doesn’t count. So back in the day Dr. Hoedown jumped the gun and gave me my vaccination too early. Apparently I have infected everyone around me since then because it wasn’t within four days of my first birthday. I have survived spinal meningitis, I have seen the white light, I have lived through what should have been a fatal car crash, but by god I need to get my measles, mumps and ruebella vaccine right away before I bring the plague upon Mohawk Valley Community College.

Secondly, I’ve already gone to college. I’ve already proved all this, but that’s right, they shredded all my documents. So tomorrow I get to go to the county health clinic where I’ll get me my first of two vaccines. If they make me sick, I’m suing everyone within eyeshot and in Albany.

Where do I get the vaccine against ridiculous government bureaucracy?


It’s another beautiful day in Upstate New York and today is the first “real” day of 2007. I just got off the phone with my sister and she asked “How is the first day as houseboy?”. Isn’t she humorous. The house is still standing, there hasn’t been any cleaning catastrophes and I haven’t killed any of the smattering of seniors at the grocery store, so all in all I would say it’s been a success. The true test will be to see if Earl survives my homemade spaghetti sauce tonight.

I had forgotten that shopping at the grocery store in the middle of the day is a completely diffferent experience from shopping at night or on the weekend. The pace is a slower, a lot, lot slower. Daytime shoppers are afraid of the new-fangled self-serve checkouts. Those that venture to the self-serve lane are afraid to touch here to start. They need guidance. Cars and carts move in completely random directions. People block aisles to gossip. All that can be seen behind the steering wheel of the randomly moving cars is a pile of hair. The speed limits on the road change by a prescribed formula: take the posted limit, divide it by two and then subtract your age, remove the negative sign and then ignore the result and anyone around you.

Yet, everyone I encountered can live to read my tale. I must be mellowing out or something.