Jinkees I’m Cranky In The Morning.

This morning I woke up in a bad mood. I don’t know why I felt rather surly; Earl and I had gone to bed at a reasonable hour. I slept the entire night through, save for Earl getting up at 5:30 a.m. and Tom deciding to comb my beard at 6:30 a.m. (apparently 6:30 a.m. is kibble time). But I slept through until 7:30, hopped out of bed, made my lunch and got ready for the day.

While I was cranking around the house and through the early part of my workday, I was formulating a rather cranky blog entry that I never got around to actually typing. I was going to just RANT about things that are driving me crazy these days. I can’t recall the majority of my beefs, but here’s a couple, o.k., here’s a bunch:

1. I’m sick of hearing about the judicial nominee that I call “Raccoon Woman”. She looks evil, as far as I’m concerned, she is evil and she shouldn’t make it to the Supreme Court solely on the basis that she has not been a judge in any capacity, including raping people from their hard earned money over a parking ticket. End of story.

2. I’m also sick of seeing Bush-lite’s dumb ass face up on the television screen. He always has this bewildered, “I Can’t Believe I’m President!” look on his face. I’d have any easier time believing him saying “I can’t believe I’m not butter!” I suspect that he’s Animatronic, but then again the puppets in Disney’s “It’s A Small World” attraction don’t even look that stupid.

3. I’m tired of paying school taxes to our local school. The powers that be want to make damn sure that I don’t ever have kids (through adoption) to send to that school, so why should I pay? I’d rather take that money and give it to a children’s charity instead.

4. I’m sick of this coddling of children. If your child is screaming in the middle of a restaurant, a smack on his or her fanny is not going to scar them for the rest of their lives, damage their id or even make them vomit their dinner. It may shut them up and teach them something in the process. And don’t get me started on “unsafe playgrounds”. I swung around metal monkey bars over a cement pad for years and I will proudly show you the one scar I have on my leg, and that was my own damn vault for trying to turn left when I should have swung right. I learned not to do that again the hard way.

5. While I’m ranting about the school system, any school that forbids the use of red pen because it may upset the student needs to be shut down. And the notice needs to be written in red.

6. I believe all movie theatre should be retrofitted to reject any and all wireless communication, just as new theatres should be constructed without the ability to receive these types of communications. You want to talk on your phone or IM your friends? Stay home. And don’t get mad if I dump a giant slurpee in your lap while you’re chatting on your cell phone.

7. I’m sick of a local ambulance company urging people to REFRAIN from dialing 911 and calling them instead for help. In a similar vein, I’m tired of advertisements for medicines that I will never take. And while I’m on the subject, I have had it up to here with all these new syndromes. “He has failure to thrive syndrome.” “She has tired feet syndrome.” “I think you have Adult ADD syndrome.” You know what? I have “Shut the fuck up syndrome.” I run around telling people how stupid they are and I don’t even need a med that may cause explosive bowels to deal with it, just stop being an asshat and we’ll both be fine.

8. And lastly, I’m tired of the government trying to save us from ourselves. I don’t want to be forced to wear my seat belt, I don’t want to be forced to wear a motorcycle helmet and I sure as shit don’t want to be forced to drive 55 MPH on a four lane highway that is 10 miles from the closest inkling of civilization and 5 miles from the closest tree. If you can’t drive it, park it. Simple as that.

Wow, I feel more energized after getting all that off my chest than I did after my naked nap yesterday. Thanks for listening!