Why.

After a busy evening of mowing the lawn and whatnot, Earl and I decided to go to one of the local ice cream stands for a refreshing treat. With the weather relatively nice, the place was crowded. We got in the shortest line, where two or three people were standing in front of us.

Until the nice family directly in front of us was joined by four gangly looking teenagers, presumably their children, and several busloads of friends. Naturally they all formed a mob in front of the 2-foot by 2-foot window and barked their order directly into the face of the window attendant, as if they were yelling into the clown’s mouth at Jack In The Box.

While the general assembly of fine family was each waiting their turn, two of the more nerdy children passed the time by “Force Blocking”, “Force Knocking” and “Force Lightsabering” each other. These two nerdy children were decked in glowing aluminum across their teeth.

Luke Skywalker wannabe tendencies aside, I instantly felt bad for these two nerds for a couple of reasons.

First of all, to the casual observer it would appear that they were destined to a life in mommy’s basement playing some obscure video game with others like them that are peppered throughout the quiet corners of society. I know I sound like a judgmental crank when I say this but I’m just calling it like I see it. I’ve seen what happens to those that place “Force Blocking” and refer to their friends as Jedis. Where’s a good Star Trekker when you need him in a sea of all these silly Jar Jar Binks wannabes.

Secondly, there are few things more horrifying on a summer night than seeing a teenager with their teeth clad in aluminum and rubberbands eating a wildly flavored ice cream cone. There are sprinkles spread from wire to rubberband and from zit to stray hair on these poor children that are already in their awkward stage, so Mommy and Daddy decided to ramp up the awkwardness by adding radar capabilities to their mouth.

Been there, done that. I think I was the only child in Upstate New York that had silver CAPS put on two of my bottom teeth that were designed to PRY my the two top teeth over them OUT when my mouth was closed. This is how I endured my time in eighth grade. The dentist urged me to assist the two solid, silver CAPS that were designed to pry the two teeth above them out by prying them with a popsicle stick when I watching television.

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

So after resisting the urge to “Force Fling” an ice cream cone into the mother of this catastrophe’s face for not tipping the server after buying $19 worth of ice cream (she seemed like the type that could easily afford a buck, considering she wore an outdated prom dress to get ice cream), Earl and I finally had the opportunity to order our treat for the week.

I glanced to the right and saw the sprinkles flying around The Young Jedi.

Horrifying.

When I was a youngster, like most kids I thought that the older generation really wasn’t “with it”. They loved their rotary phones and wondered why Ma Bell had to be broken up. They had no idea how to get a calculator to display “BOOBLESS” or “SHELLOIL” and they didn’t get the concept of a two-liter bottle of pop in a plastic bottle (instead of a two-quart bottle of pop in a glass bottle). Being one to analyze everything to death, I wondered if anyone would have the same opinion of me one day, when would I become obsolete?

I think I reached obsolescence mid 30s. It was then that I started feeling less and less in pace with society. Now I’ve never been one to follow the norm, but there are some things that I just don’t get.

For example I don’t understand why young kids start smoking. With the volumes of analysis and millions of case studies around the world regarding the effect smoking has on one’s health, I don’t understand how anyone could start smoking today. I usually forgive long-time smokers over the age of 35 or so because there wasn’t as much emphasis on all the health detriments back in the day but today there is just no excuse. I’ve seen too many people die from the effects of smoking so I say that if you start smoking these days you’re a moron and not worth my time. It sounds callous and it probably is very callous but that’s the way I am.

I still don’t get the cell phone craze. Now I still have my cell phone and have been asked by Earl and several relatives not to get rid of it, but I rarely use it outside of sending Earl love notes and texting my sister once in a while. There are people that are constantly on their cell phone. How did we survive in the past with a phone on the kitchen wall with an occasional extension in the living room? I still trip people up in the supermarket if they’re pushing a cart and yapping on their cell phone. Sometimes they spill their mocca chocca la la latte in the process in which I then earn two points.

I don’t get the coffee fad either. Everyone is running around with all this flavored crud that barely resembles coffee in all manner of places. The supermarket. The movie theatre. The mall. I heard a woman remark that Lowe’s should put a coffee bar in. Are you kidding me? It’s a lumber yard, not a café. By the way, it’s obvious that I am not a coffee drinker, having only had the stuff once in my life. That one cup did put the appropriate amount of hair on my chest so I guess there was some benefit, but otherwise I find the stuff gross. Before a couple of years ago, people survived on a cup or two in the morning, now people practically want it intraveneously.

I don’t get the Hollywood way of “re-imagining” shows today. I understand taking an old premise and making it new (even though they could come up with an original idea), but I don’t understand why this automatically makes the original version of the show bad. Of course I’m talking about NBC’s “Bionic Woman” in which I submitted a suggestion on one of the boards at the network to change the name of the main character to something original and was blasted by a bunch of zit faced, over-masturbated freakboys for suggesting such a travesty. “The original show sucked, you should be glad they’re saving it.” Heck a lot of people liked the old show back in the day but I guess if it’s old it’s “bad” and if it’s new, it’s “good”.

I guess I’m feeling old and cranky today.

The more I think about this reimagining of “Bionic Woman” coming to NBC this fall, the angrier I get. I know that there are much more pressing issues going on in the world today, but I am really angry about this latest reimagining of a classic television series. I’m not just angry, I am “they canceled Judging Amy” angry.

I understand and accept the fact that I am no longer part of the coveted 18-34 demographic that controls much of what we see on various media outlets. At nearly 39 years old, my vote and money no longer matter. I’m no longer hip, I’m no longer “cool” in the eyes of the Hollywood pocketbooks. I accept that.

I also accept the fact that Hollywood has apparently “gone dry” on ideas and imagination and now the best they can do is rehash something that was once good. However, apparently it wasn’t good enough though because they can make it better. I am still terrified to see what they’re going to do to “Bell, Book and Candle”, originally starting James Stewart and Kim Novak (among a bunch of other greats) in the late 1950s and now being “reimagined” for Alicia Keys in the starring role.

This new “Bionic Woman” is the latest casualty in a long line of Hollywood WTFs. I don’t have a problem with the fact that they’re creating a new bionic series. NBC has a hit in “Heroes” and they’re naturally going to play that to the hilt and add sci-fi shows all over the place. They’ve apparently never heard the phrase “Too much of a good thing.”

However, If the online sneak peeks are any indication, the producers are going much darker and more violent in this new series. I guess that’s to be expected, considering all the violence and such we see all over television these days. Plus, they need to keep up with the times, and the world is certainly a darker place today.

Here’s what I have a problem with: the character is named Jaime Sommers. And that’s the only thing that’s similar to the original “The Bionic Woman”. Lindsay Wagner won an Emmy for her portrayal of Jaime. She created a likeable character that is a permanent part of classic television. NBC is simply riding the coattails of the success of the original (no confidence in the new concept?), and Lindsay’s hard work, by naming the character Jaime Sommers. Since this new show is a decidedly different show, there’s no reason to name the character the same as the original. They should ADD to the “Bionic Universe”, not start it over from scratch. Acknowledge what has been by creating their own character with her own quirks and personality. As it currently stands, they’re basically slapping fans of the original version across the face and saying “Your version sucked, so it needs to be forgotten. Ours is better. *This* is Jaime Sommers.”

So I am boycotting the new “Bionic Woman” until they change the name of the main character. They can name her anything else. Just don’t call her “Jaime Sommers”. Oh, and I’m going to be really loud (but not tedious in the blog) about the fact that I am boycotting this show.

Oh, I have one other demand. They’ve got to bring back the bionics sound effect.

So NBC is ‘reimagining’ Bionic Woman for next season. Jaime Somers is now a bartender with a deaf sister. In the preview (follow link above), she looks kind of cranky.

Our Jaime Somers was never that cranky. And she surely wasn’t a bartender.

There’s no OSI. There’s no Oscar Goldman. There’s no Rudy Wells. I’ll give them that the acting looks rather fembotish.

Lindsey Wagner is and will always be The Bionic Woman. I feel a “Bewitched”-like reimagining nightmare coming around again. Frank, I have a sick headache.

Oh, and there’s no “ch ch ch ch ch ch” present. That’s just wrong. I give it three weeks. Tops.

Over the weekend Earl and I went to see “Spider-man 3”. I am a huge fan of the live action version of superhero sagas and despite the mixed reviews I had read about this film I was excited to see it. We opted to see it at the one local megaplex we have in this area.

This was a mistake.

First of all, the movie wasn’t half bad. There were a number of plot holes and convenient coincidences that I found hard to overlook, but for the most part I didn’t feel like we wasted the money by seeing the movie. In summary but without plot spoilers, I’d say it was a good movie but the weakest of the Spider-man films to date. At one point, Peter Parker and Spidey reminded me of Evil Dynagirl though.

Even though this was the second weekend of the movie’s run the theatre was close to sold out. Earl and I selected a seat about halfway up the stadium seating arrangement and sat on the end. The theatre filled up rapidly after we got ourselves situated. About five minutes after we sat a group of four women parked in the row behind us. I knew they were there because one of them kicked the back of my seat twice and they were all clucking away as if they were laying eggs. To add to the ambience, one of the ladies decided to make several calls to 411 (information) to get various numbers for businesses unrelated to entertainment. I could somewhat understand if she wanted to make reservations for dinner after the show or whatever, but she was calling places such as Verizon and Jiffy-Lube, both which are presumably closed on a Saturday night after 9 p.m. Luckily, they moved to a higher perch in the back of the theatre before long.

That was a close call.

In front of a us was a couple that seemed like they were really into the Spidey-thing, as he was wearing a Spider-man shirt and he had that “I’m a geek” thing going on. I know that ‘thing’ because I also have that ‘thing’. Geekdar is quite similar to gaydar. As I was sizing up this couple and determining if they were cell phone friendly or not, in came a family of five, including three very young children, who parked in front of the Spidey-couple. They were loud and played unintentional musical chairs several times before getting settled in.

By then it was time for the previews, where people started pouring in by the droves. “Excuse me, is your seat taken?”, asked one; “Why do they turn off the lights for the preview?”, asked another.

Here’s where I started getting cranky. A group of ten or so teenagers came in and sat in the front row and fired up their cell phones. Now, having a short attention span and all, I am easily distracted by flashing lights and shiny objects. Having ten kids in the front row texting away on their cell phones detracts from the whole cinematic experience. I find it hard to concentrate on the big screen when there’s ten little screen vying for my attention in my peripheral vision.

The whole experience went downhill from there when one man must have thought that we were at Rocky Horror and he started yelling out lines and directions at the screen. “Cry!” “Kiss her!” “Throw your spideyweb!” The texters started talking, loud enough that I could hear them almost 3/4 of the way back in the theatre and to the point where an elderly gentleman cuffed one of them upside the head and said, “I paid to watch this movie – shut up!” The parents in the family of five two rows in front of us opted to ignore their children. They turned a deaf ear to the crying and the whining and the pleas for a potty break. On the other hand, there was more traffic up and down the aisles and in and out the doors than there were at the Dollar General during half price day/double coupon day.

The situation was out of control.

I was about ready to lose my mind when I decided that it really wasn’t worth it. I figured the movie wasn’t as good as the first two so I wasn’t really missing anything there and we’d buy it on DVD anyway. I mentioned the experience to Earl afterward when he simply said “times are changing.”

This prompts a couple of questions worth discussion.

1. What does the fact that it’s the 21st century and not 1975 have to do with sitting quietly in a theatre and enjoying the picture?

2. Why does the use of technology (cell phones) trump simple etiquette? Why don’t parents teach their kids to use said technology responsibly? When I was a kid if I did something ludicruous with the telephone, such as scream “WHAT?” as loudly and shrilly as I could into the receiver when someone was phoning, my mother cuffed me upside the head and taught me better.

3. Why do people feel like they can talk all through a movie now? What happened to sitting quietly, enjoying the picture, snuggling up with your friend and/or anyone else around you and sharing a popcorn and a pop?

4. Why can’t movie theatre owners build theatres that reject any type of cell phone signal reception and post “warning labels” outside the theatre warning people of this? Heck, I’d pay *extra* to watch a movie in a cell free zone.

I’ve always considered myself a happy, progressive type of guy. I embrace and use technology where and whenever possible. But by doing so, it doesn’t mean that I abandoned the common courtesy and respect I learned as a child.

The tragedy at Virginia Tech has constantly been on my mind since seeing the news reports yesterday. At first my thoughts were “my God, I can not believe that happened, and I really can not believe that it happened on a college campus.” It was not shortly after my initial shock that I realized that I am a full-time college student that spends a considerable amount of time on campus.

Each of my instructors have reminded us at the beginning of class this week that professional counselors are available 24/7 on campus. There was a gathering at the performance hall to remember those that were killed and to host an open forum for a discussion about campus safety. We’ve actually had two tragedies here, in that a city police officer was fatally shot on Thursday after pulling a car over in a routine stop. City of Utica Police Officer Thomas Lindsey was 32 years old and a 2001 graduate of Mohawk Valley Community College. A police officer, shot dead, simply because he was serving his community and had pulled car over.

When does this all stop? What purpose is served by giving the general public free access to any type of weapon including machine guns? I am not talking about the type of guns sportsmen use when they’re out in the woods doing their thing. Most hunters use their guns responsibly (Dick Cheney not withstanding). I’m talking about semi-automatic guns that can be reloaded faster than it takes to open a can of pop and almost always end up in the hands of madmen.

I feel an incredible rant bubbling inside of me. It has not come to a boil yet and there’s no steam coming out of my ears, but it’s there and it’s building.

I guess the world is really disappointing me these days. Actually, it’s not the world that’s disappointing me. It’s a chunk of the human race.

I’ve been going on about global warming and how much like spring the weather has been here in the middle of January. Well, as they say, “it’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature”. This morning we awoke to a glorious, beautiful sunny day.

However, it’s currently -1ºF. I wish it was -1ºC, now that wouldn’t be so bad. This cold weather makes navigating the campus interesting and forces me to wear my dorky hat out in public. It looks like it’s going to be in the mid 30s by the end of the week though, so that won’t be so bad.

“I know”, said the corporate executive, “let’s really mess with their heads and put them on constantly variable shifts. One day they’ll start work at 7 a.m., the next they’ll start at noon and then we’ll let them take comp time on the third day so they get back in sync with their own body and start it all over again.”

A school in Attleboro, Mass. has banned “tag” and other contact sports during recess at their elementary school, to circumvent potential lawsuits from parents when their kids get hurt.

Just another example in a long line of idiocy that the citizens of the USA have completely lost their mind.

Oy.

Sometimes I think technology is destroying America. The capability of “instant news” combined with the 24-hour news channels is contributing the ever shortening attention spans of the American public.

Oh look at the bird in the backyard. Isn’t he pretty. Uh, what was I saying? Oh yes, short attention spans.

We have a television at the office that shows CNN. Since our Network Operations Center’s workload depends on weather activity and other natural or human made causes, it helps to know what’s going on in the country.

In the past three days, every time I’ve looked at the screen they are showing that guy from Taiwan that claims to have murdered JonBenet Ramsey. No matter what time I look at the screen, there he is, sitting on an airplane, staring straight ahead. He’s there, either waiting for takeoff or to disembark. For three days. There he is. On the plane. Talk about flight delays.

Now the murder of this young girl is horrible. I’m not denying that. I’m sure any clues or confessions would be a relief to the family. But my goodness, the rising death toll in the Middle East is abundently news worthy as well, but that’s hardly being mentioned. It’s old news.

Now we have the latest tropical storm hurricane tropical storm headed for south Florida. What’s it’s name? Ernesto? All the news outlets are headed down there faster than vultures on a dead carcass. I wouldn’t be the least surprised to find them doing some sort of wild hurricane rain dance in an effort to whip up the winds. You could just see the disappointment on their faces when Ernesto became a tropical storm again. It looks like Florida might just escape the floods and famine they were hoping to feature on the news. It might not make it to New Orleans. How ratings building it would be to see the beginnings of the new New Orleans crushed by a hurricane again.

Again, no mention of the deaths in Iraq over the weekend.

Then there’s the airplane crash in Kentucky. It appears the pilot was on the wrong runway. My heart goes out to the families of the crash victims. And then the news cuts to another plane crash in Indiana. “Maybe it’s just as bad or worse!” Turns out a four seater crashed in a pond, sorry, no death there, a bystander pulled them out of harm’s way.

I saw a plane crash once. A student pilot flipped a Cessna 150 into the gravel bed adjacent to the rural airstrip. I saw my Mom and a bunch of pilots and aviation fans pull him out of the plane and get him on his way for medical attention. My mom had tell his mother that her baby boy had just crashed an airplane and was on his way to the hospital. I don’t believe he ever flew again. But it was 1978.

It didn’t make the news.