When I was a youngster, like most kids I thought that the older generation really wasn’t “with it”. They loved their rotary phones and wondered why Ma Bell had to be broken up. They had no idea how to get a calculator to display “BOOBLESS” or “SHELLOIL” and they didn’t get the concept of a two-liter bottle of pop in a plastic bottle (instead of a two-quart bottle of pop in a glass bottle). Being one to analyze everything to death, I wondered if anyone would have the same opinion of me one day, when would I become obsolete?

I think I reached obsolescence mid 30s. It was then that I started feeling less and less in pace with society. Now I’ve never been one to follow the norm, but there are some things that I just don’t get.

For example I don’t understand why young kids start smoking. With the volumes of analysis and millions of case studies around the world regarding the effect smoking has on one’s health, I don’t understand how anyone could start smoking today. I usually forgive long-time smokers over the age of 35 or so because there wasn’t as much emphasis on all the health detriments back in the day but today there is just no excuse. I’ve seen too many people die from the effects of smoking so I say that if you start smoking these days you’re a moron and not worth my time. It sounds callous and it probably is very callous but that’s the way I am.

I still don’t get the cell phone craze. Now I still have my cell phone and have been asked by Earl and several relatives not to get rid of it, but I rarely use it outside of sending Earl love notes and texting my sister once in a while. There are people that are constantly on their cell phone. How did we survive in the past with a phone on the kitchen wall with an occasional extension in the living room? I still trip people up in the supermarket if they’re pushing a cart and yapping on their cell phone. Sometimes they spill their mocca chocca la la latte in the process in which I then earn two points.

I don’t get the coffee fad either. Everyone is running around with all this flavored crud that barely resembles coffee in all manner of places. The supermarket. The movie theatre. The mall. I heard a woman remark that Lowe’s should put a coffee bar in. Are you kidding me? It’s a lumber yard, not a café. By the way, it’s obvious that I am not a coffee drinker, having only had the stuff once in my life. That one cup did put the appropriate amount of hair on my chest so I guess there was some benefit, but otherwise I find the stuff gross. Before a couple of years ago, people survived on a cup or two in the morning, now people practically want it intraveneously.

I don’t get the Hollywood way of “re-imagining” shows today. I understand taking an old premise and making it new (even though they could come up with an original idea), but I don’t understand why this automatically makes the original version of the show bad. Of course I’m talking about NBC’s “Bionic Woman” in which I submitted a suggestion on one of the boards at the network to change the name of the main character to something original and was blasted by a bunch of zit faced, over-masturbated freakboys for suggesting such a travesty. “The original show sucked, you should be glad they’re saving it.” Heck a lot of people liked the old show back in the day but I guess if it’s old it’s “bad” and if it’s new, it’s “good”.

I guess I’m feeling old and cranky today.