Ponderings and Musings

So this week I am taking the first of my three required tests to become a licensed Private Pilot in the United States. Admittedly, I should have probably taken this test a few weeks ago, but I didn’t feel pumped and ready for this particular phase of my flight training. So I postponed taking the test until this week. You see, this week’s test is the written test, and this makes me a little nervous. I don’t feel like I test well, especially with a written test. It’s kind of like when I’m sitting in the doctor’s office and he’s checking my blood pressure. My blood pressure can be 110/80 at home and then I get in the doctor’s office and bells and whistles start to blow, people get nervous and I get antsy. I have high blood pressure because when they take my blood pressure in a doctor’s office, it’s high. It’s never high elsewhere. I can check it here and there and I’m a healthy guy, but get in a doctor’s office and zoom, there it goes.

I just don’t feel like I test well.

I can fly the airplane, I can land the airplane, I can even land the airplane when the instructor pulls the power (gliding is fun!), but because I like to analyze the hell out of everything, I obsess over the multiple choice answers and occasionally confuse myself. When I was a youngster I had the habit of whipping through a test as quickly as possible because I figured if I didn’t know the answer at warp speed, I wasn’t going to know the answer at idle, so why waste the time idling. Later in life I recognized this approach as being unwieldy at best, so I tried to keep it at bay.

I guess what’s making me a little nervous is the fact that I don’t feel like facts stick well in my brain anymore. I can tell you, right to your face, that two different actresses portrayed the older daughter in the sitcom “Hello, Larry” (Donna Wilkes and Krista Erikkson, and yes, I know that’s frightening that I didn’t even look that up) but I have to chant repeatedly “craft class man cat” to remember that an airplane is an Aircraft Classification but an Airmen Category designation. Getting old sucks.

Luckily, there is some excellent exam prep software out there and I have been going crazy with practice tests since Friday (and I had been doing them here and there before then). Yesterday alone I spent eight solid hours just going through the databank of questions that should appear somewhere on the 60 question test and honestly, I think I’m going to do fine but I’m still nervous about it.

I figure the worst thing that can happen is that people will make fun of me and I’ll have to take the test again after some remedial training (the wings go on either side of the airplane), so that’s not particularly awful, but since I’m finally doing something I’ve wanted to do all my life, I want to make sure that I do it right.

I’m at work in the middle of the week for the first time in many, many months. I usually make the trek on a Monday, every couple of weeks or whenever the mood strikes me. I know that I’m a lucky man in that I have this sort of flexibility in my employment opportunity. I’m not complaining in any way.

A co-worker remarked that he was surprised to see me at work and I told him that the only reason I came to work today was because I was a little behind on the office lottery pool payments. He giggled at my joke. I guess the joke is in actuality I came to work only because I’m behind on the office lottery pool payments. I tend to work harder and longer from home than I do at the office. All that being said, the commute was enjoyable this morning as I was able to wave at some Amish men for the first time in a long while. One of them even waved back.

The seagulls have vacated my favorite parking area, probably due to the construction going on. Progress is marching along on the new Taco Bell they’re building where the old Burger King used to stand. The workers on the structure are all gathered underneath the shade tree that I usually park near. I’m not bitter about this as there is a nice late-summer breeze blowing through the Jeep at the moment and this is helping my mood stay sunny.

I was awoken this morning in the middle of a very sexy dream. Perhaps this is why my mood is sunny. I wasn’t hot nor bothered when I woke up, but I know that I woke up with a smile and because I have a knack for this sort of thing, I am able to recall the details of the dream in a most vivid manner. This increases the intensity of the smile on my face.

I have decided that I need to start carrying my real DSLR camera around with me again. The camera on my iPhone 5 is adequate, but there’s still something great about pointing a camera at something, doing some photography magic with dials and lenses and such and snapping a photo. A commentator online recently remarked that when he’s at Fenway Park, he notices that most of the fans are taking selfies instead of photos of the ball game, the park or any of their surroundings. Quite frankly, I don’t think the world needs that many duck lipped photos. I have never made duck lips in a photo and I don’t intend on continuing to do so. Instead, I shall just mock those that choose to make the ridiculous face.

Perhaps I’ll take a photo of them with my DSLR.

It’s only the 8th of September but Autumn knows when it needs to be in these parts and Mother Nature is starting to show her colors. The greens of the fields are starting to be replaced golds and purples. The air is starting to get a little crisper and the nights have more of a chill.

This is my favorite time of the year and I’m doing my best to enjoy every moment of it.

Many people start their workday with copious amounts of coffee or other caffeinated beverages. Others go through a regimented routine involving gyms, sweat and bouts with traffic snarl ups. Some are bleary-eyed, unable to put together cohesive sentence for the first 60 or so minutes of the day. And then there’s us that need a gentle yet distinct schedule to get ourselves together for the day.

I fall into that latter category.

When I get situated at my desk for the day, with a big glass of water in one hand and my iPhone in the other, the first thing I do is put on my headphones and listen to a specific music playlist. The contents of the playlist change once in a great while, but I never shuffle the songs or listen to them out of order in anyway once I have decided on the flow of this important playlist.

Right now, my morning playlist consists of the following tracks:

“I’ll Be Around”, The Spinners
“Could It Be I’m Falling In Love”, The Spinners
“Heartbreaker”, Dionne Warwick
“Lotta Love”, Nicolette Larson
“(Your Love Has Lifted Me) Higher and Higher”, Rita Coolidge
“Shout To The Top”, The Style Council
“Breakout”, Swing Out Sister
“It’s A Miracle”, Barry Manilow
“It’s My Life”, Talk Talk
“Time (Clock of the Heart)”, Culture Club
“New Day For You”, Basia
“Crystal Blue Persuasion”, Tommy James and the Shondells
“Yes”, Merry Clayton
“Romantic”, Karyn White
“Save Me”, Lisa Fischer
“I Want You”, Shana

I have to admit that typing that list out just now made me realize that I have really eclectic tastes when it comes to the selection of these tracks. The inclusion of a song on this list is usually because of the musicality of the song. For example, I’m not particularly a fan of Dionne Warick’s but I do love the production that Barry Gibb used on “Heartbreaker”. Many of these tracks take my head to a specific happy place that helps motivate me for the day.

Sometimes it takes just a little thing like this to make the day exceed its potential.

I have been working all night. It’s not like the nightmare of my old on-call days; this was a scheduled server maintenance that had to be done. Corporate growth and all that. The “maintenance window”, as we call it in the biz, is until 7 a.m. Right now the folks that are migrating data are at 70% complete. If it’s not done by 6:30 a.m., all will be aborted and I get to schedule another all-nighter.

I live such an exhilarating life.

I am looking forward to going to sleep in a couple of hours. I took a 90 minute nap yesterday evening. I had planned on four hours with the hopes that it would be enough to get me through the night but my body only wants to sleep when it wants to sleep and that’s all there is to it. Luckily, I’m doing pretty good right now.

I started writing some code while waiting for the server to do its thing but when I couldn’t make heads or tails of what I had just written 30 minutes prior to any given moment, I decided that it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to write code for an application that is considered “mission critical”. I decided to just get organized and do “busy work” until I got the “all clear” signal from the team that gives those sorts of signals.

I seemed to use more quotation marks than normal in that last paragraph.

So I am sitting here with bated breath waiting for that quoted “all clear” signal so I can finish doing my portion of this server migration.

I’m really looking forward to sleeping in a little bit. I hope to have pleasant dreams. Actually, I hope to be dreaming about flying, because there is no way that I would past the “F” (fatigue) in the IMSAFE self assessment I do for piloting an airplane.

I know my limits.

While I was on one of my daily bike rides the other day, I came to the realization that with the passing of my 46th birthday, I have been legally driving a vehicle for 30 years. I found this a little hard to believe, because I never feel like I’ve been in this life for that long, and the idea of three decades passing since taking that written test for my learner’s permit was slightly startling. Because cycling puts me in a “zen” mode, these thoughts led to the pondering of what I would say to my 16-year old self; what nuggets of life experience would I say to my younger self if I had the opportunity to.

1. Try not to care about what others think. Now I know that’s not easy for a 16 year old boy that’s trying to navigate his way to his life path, a path that you know is different from many of those around you, but caring about what others think is going to hold you back. It has taken me a really long time to figure that out.

2. Dad loves you more than you’ll ever realize. He doesn’t say it that much but he shows it in his way, even though you don’t always see these gestures. He’s proud of you for being just the man you’re going to be and that’s something you’ll realize later on.

3. The music teacher thing is just a diversion. I know you’re going to try for that degree because that’s what you feel you’re suppose to do, but it’s just a diversion. Go with it, but mark my words, you’ll learn a lot more about life than about music when you go to college. You’ll end up doing what you really want to do.

4. Maintain that inquisitive nature when you’re around computers. Keep doing what you’re doing with that Commodore VIC-20. All of that knowledge and skill that you don’t realize you’re developing is going to help you in the long run. Big time.

5. I know you don’t think you’re going to master the art of driving a stick, and yes, I still remember the time we stalled the tractor behind the barn and the dump truck up at the lumber yard, but you’re going to love driving a stick and you’re going to insist that all of your vehicles are a manual transmission. And not only will you be able to drive a stick, you’ll eventually get airborne in those airplanes you dream about.

6. There are millions of people just like you, even though you feel like you’re the only one in our hometown. It’ll get worse before it gets better, but it’s going to be awesome in the long run. And besides, you’re more honest about yourself than others around you. Remember that. Others will appreciate you for being yourself, even the ones that you don’t think would ever understand.

7. The teacher that was kind of a dick to you that one day in class? Yeah, he was a dick through and through.

8. You’re surrounded with a great group of friends. Even the classmates that scare you and that you’re afraid to talk to… you end up having great conversations with them at the high school reunion.

9. Don’t worry, you’re not going to have to put out at the prom. There will be hints about it and maybe some pressure at the senior prom, but you don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right. Enjoy the evening for what it is.

10. Jenn is on your side all the time. And Mom is mom and she stays mom and it’s all good.

11. Don’t be afraid to explore your surroundings and then keep reaching out farther and farther. Folks think we’re crazy for some of the road trips we’ve gone on, but the truth of the matter is, they’re probably jealous.

12. Life turns out to be awesome. Folks probably will think you’re all pollyanna, but remember, you don’t really care what people think when you get to my age, so it’s OK to say that life is awesome, because it really is. You’ll get through the hard parts just fine.

So yesterday I was passing through one of the large aircraft hangers to make my way to the bathroom when I casually remarked to a fully uniformed soldier, whom I had never met, “the sound of AVgas flowing always makes me have to take a piss.” He looked at me with a slightly surprised look and said, “enjoy, buddy.”

I have always lived on the assumption that if people knew what I was really thinking that it would ultimately end up with me in an orange jumpsuit, sitting in a padded room, making rag rugs with blunt scissors for the rest of my life. As a kid that was a recurring nightmare of mine, getting locked up for being “different” which was translated to “crazy”.

Many people don’t care about these things, especially after age 40. I decided to join that line of thinking at age 46 and honestly, I don’t care anymore. And frankly, not caring what other people thinking about me, crazy or not, is a refreshing feeling.

The world is much more screwed up than I will ever be.