I’m taking an early lunch today because of my work schedule. For some reason, perhaps the fact that it’s Monday, I just couldn’t bring myself to go through the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru and get a large unsweetened iced-tea like I usually do. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t want to stomach the taste of the tea that often seems like it’s been run through coffee grinds or because I’m trying to feel outside of a rut, but I decided to get wild and crazy and go through the drive thru of the newly renovated McDonalds.

“May I have a large, UNSWEETENED iced tea with lemon, please?” The capital letters reflect the emphasis in my voice.

The newly installed display with flying graphics and whimsical fonts showed:


Since the flying graphics and whimsically styled letters were urging me to check the display for accuracy, I did just that. All looked good.

I pulled up to the first window and gave the sleeping clerk my money, where she took it, flung some change at me and promptly shut the window. Behind the coating over said window I could see her going back into nap position. I hope her mouth was agape.

I pulled up to the second window where the I was handed a straw, a napkin and a large drink. I could see the lemon floating nicely on top. This made me happy.

I pulled away, since I had checked my order for accuracy and went to a secluded part of another parking lot about a mile away. I flipped on the hotspot on the iPhone, unsheathed my straw and pulled open the laptop. I then took a sip of my 1 UNSWEET TEA LG and discovered that I was the only one that had apparently checked the whimsically designed flying letters for accuracy.

My tea is SWEET.

This does not make me feel SWEET.

Since fuel prices are soaring beyond control as oil corporations laugh gaily, I decided that to go back to the McDonalds would be a waste of fuel and that would outweigh the money I had spent on the allegedly labeled 1 UNSWEET TEA LG. Therefore, I dumped the concoction down the nearest storm drain and fed the lemon to a seagull. I do find the presence of the seagull to be rather disconcerting because we are hundreds of miles from the ocean and at least 100 miles from Lake Ontario. Perhaps he is lost.

I know I feel lost without my unsweet tea this morning.

On the bright side, I shall never cast my eyes upon the whimsically styled letters, the sleeping clerk or the newly renovated McDonalds, because I am going to donate any remaining money I have on my Arch Card to the next homeless person I see and I am never going to set foot into the place again. I don’t care if you have a burger that tries to mimic itself as a McRib sandwich and I don’t buy into the folly of the whimsical letters. The renovation was mere lipstick on a pig and if you can’t pour unsweetened iced correctly into a large cup, when there’s probably an over-designed, technologically wasted piece of crap doing it for the minimally paid minion, I’m certainly not going to contribute to this idiocy.

I’ll stick to the tea run through the coffee grounds in the future.