Once in a while I use my blog as a therapy session. Okay, maybe more than once in a while I indulge myself this way but it’s a lot cheaper than paying someone, so instead of chewing about it I invite you to sit down on the couch with me. If you’re bored with this entry (which is kind of random in it’s construct) then I invite you to use a search engine to find something more engaging. There’s plenty out there.
At nearly 41 years old you’d think that by now I have this whole life thing pretty much down pat and I’d be enjoying myself. The latter is true, I’m enjoying life very much these days but as far as life goes, I still feel like a kid that’s trying to find his groove from time to time. There will be times that I see something, anything in a person and I ponder it and perhaps try it on for a bit, incorporating whatever it was I saw in that person into my own life to see if it works for me. I think this is due to the fact that I am always looking for approval of some sort and I figure that if the original person carries that trait or whatever off successfully then I should be able to do that as well. As far as I can tell, this carries about an 80 percent success rate. I can do better.
That’s one thing that I’m always trying to do: do better. I am always looking to better myself and better my situation. I figure if you sit stagnant then quite frankly why bother living at all.
If anyone were to identify a superpower in me it would probably be mimicry. That’s how I learned my broadcasting skills in radio, I’d listen to other stations, hear how they did it and then do the same. That is how I’ve made technology decisions in the past: if program X works well on Mac Y for user Z, then it’s going to work well for me. I’ve adapted the skill to all sorts of situations: if bozo B is fired up about subject A, then there must be something to it and perhaps I should be fired up too. Though my personality trait is to be a loner and hardly a follower, this approach is exactly what I’ve been doing. It was during my drive home from Toronto this past weekend that I realised that’s what’s wrong: I’m trying to use the skills of a follower in concert with the personality traits of a loner and more importantly I’ve been doing that a lot in the past 18 to 24 months.
Once I came to this realisation, as I watched the trees go by and the black pavement pass underneath me, I felt like a great weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was a defining moment in my life and I have felt immensely better ever since.
When I returned to work yesterday I sat down and cheerfully went about my duties and I was more productive yesterday (and today) than I have been in weeks. My feelings on various topics ranging from politics to interpersonal relationships to money to being gay to being out to health care all suddenly felt _aligned_. I have commented before that I don’t fit in the crowd that’s looking at the big picture. I’m not looking at a particular corner, I’m not looking at a particular colour in the big picture, I’m often not even looking at the same picture that everyone else is.
I have been trying to take photographs as I brush up and improve upon my photography skills. I go to post them and become hesitant as I realise that people may find them boring. Folks take pictures of cityscapes and flowers and people and all sorts of things and the crowd oohs and aahs over the display of an amazing talent. I worry that my pictures of powerlines and road signs and lake shores and men shaving and just random moments of life are going to bore people, so I invariably end up not posting them. I enjoy them but who else would? Well, I don’t care anymore, probably just as much as I don’t care about the amount of readers I have of my blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I have made many friends and connected with many people through my blog. I cherish my readers and value what they have to say. But am I trying to amp up readership? Nah. There’s others in _that_ big picture that are doing that.
For the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of identity. MY identity. And quite frankly, I don’t feel that I’m all that different from the happy-go-lucky guy I was five, ten or twenty years ago. But now I’m happier than before because of one simple fact.
I’m just me.