You Just Know.

So it was 2 a.m. and I was surfing from page to page on the internet, undoubtedly trying to catch up on important topics in world news or looking for creative porn or something of that sort. It was then that I I came across a parenting forum where they were discussing how to determine if their pre-adolescent child (in this instance, a boy) was gay. Now that I think back on the it, it kind of makes me wonder what my google search query was. Anyways, this handful of mothers and few interested fathers were discussing telltale signs as to their elementary school child’s impending sexual orientation.

I find these discussions relatively humorous. Let me preface this by saying that I fully believe that one is born attracted to one sex or the other, or in some instances to both, and that it’s not a conscious decision we make when our hormones surge during our teens. Show me someone that “decided” to be gay and I’ll show you an idiot with a low self-esteem and a non-existent ego. Maybe that’s a little harsh, but I truly believe there are a very few out there that “decided to be gay”. We’re wired the way that we’re wired and that’s all there is to it. Because of our resulting natural predisposition, I believe for some that genes and other DNA circuitry are programmed to care about certain things such as shopping or colors more than other things such as mowing the lawns or playing with toy soldiers. Thinking about a recent theme weekend at a gay campground, perhaps that last example isn’t such a good one.

Anyway, the forum members were mentioning that this concerned parent should watch for the stereotypical telltale signs: the boy wanting to grow his hair long or wanting to play with Barbie dolls or showing no interest in trucks. I find these barometers to be rather unwieldy in today’s environment. First of all, since the metrosexual movement is still somewhat present it’s difficult to tell ascertain the sexuality of a youngster by things such as long hair, earrings in the wrong ears and whatnot. Hell, there’s angry, straight gang members acting all tough like and running around with eyebrows stylized like a 1920s movie starlet and in pink shirts with popped collars. What’s long hair going to prove? I think parents would be relieved if their child wanted just their ear pierced, what with all the piercings one encounters today. This isn’t going to tell the parent anything.

I guess it was easier for my parents’ generation; in many instances they simply hiked up the pants leg of their youngster and if their little boy had black and blue marks on his shin then odds were they were gay, because the black and blue marks were undoubtedly from secret attempts to spin from Diana Prince to Wonder Woman and the resulting banging into the coffee table.

One ‘knowledgeable’ person suggested that if the little boy was interested in cats instead of dogs then he was going to grow up to be a ‘flamer’, as he so eloquently described it. Wrongo. If the boy likes cats then he’s going to be straight because only lesbians like cats and lesbians like girls.


Another suggested an interest in comic books would indicate that he’s not gay. Apparently straight-destined boys want to Superman or Batman. Hello, wrong again. I loved comic books and when as a kid I had to settle for being “Robin” when in fact I wanted to enchant “Oh Zephyr Winds which blow on high, lift me now so I can fly” but not wear a skirt. Just because the youngster is pulling a Superman doesn’t mean he wouldn’t rather be Catwoman.

I had to stop reading the discussion when a woman suggested that she have the boy look at his shoe and if he turns his foot one way he’s gay and if he turns it the other he’s straight.

Perhaps a Rockettes kick would have been the indicator.