Ponderings and Musings

I have a hard time speaking in front of people. Even if it’s just one person. I guess it could be a sort of lack of confidence that causes this because I occasionally don’t trust what comes out of my mouth. You see, I stammer. I stutter. And occasionally I just freeze up and say nothing while the words churn in my head, blocked by some invisible barrier in my brain that prevents them from flowing from thought to mouth. Occasionally words jump into the thought stream and pretend that they’re what I wanted to say, when in reality they aren’t related at all. There is occasionally uncomfortable silence when the words are blocked; there is a slight awkwardness when the same word comes out repeatedly and honestly, there’s downright confusion when my forehead should have a big “?SYNTAX ERROR” sign plastered across it.

All of this surprises people when they find out that I used to be in radio. I had a hard time with it, except when I was completely alone in the studio and building. Then it was just me talking to a microphone, and as long as I used a hip Ted Baxter voice and concentrated really hard on mimicking what a radio DJ was suppose to sound like, I was okay. The confusing part of my speech was kept relatively at bay. Then I’d put on a long song and walk across the street to grab a pop or something and ask a co-worker in my ‘normal’ voice, “Want something to drunk from Thruways?” Translated, that meant “Want something to drink from Kinney’s?” (the store across the street).

A startled glance.

I listen back to some of my aircheck tapes and I wasn’t really fooling anyone, I mixed up my words more than most. I would stop midsentence. Growing up I remember my Mom having a hard time trying to get a word out here and there; perhaps it’s hereditary.

I rarely address people by their name, though I know their name, because I’m afraid the wrong name will come out when I’m fully aware of the correct name. This makes for a social gaff and some get offended. Especially when they are a vice president of the company or something. So I smile and make with the pleasantries anonymously.

Do I dislike this part of this whole experience of mine? Not really, though I do wish that I could speak like the best of them in front of an audience. I wish I sounded suave, articulate and eloquent like Alec Baldwin or President Obama.

But that’s not who I am. A friend reminded me that my friend Jeff and I have something in common (Jeff stutters and stammers from time to time like I do). I’m content to be me: the one in the corner silently smiling, remembering every word, every name, every detail and not saying a thing about it.

I guess I have my own brand of eloquence.

I have a fear. I fear that I am going to lose my gay card. That’s right ladies and gentleman, I walk that fine line of being a card carrying gay and just being a down low geek that likes guys. I have done two things this week that brings this fear to the surface, but I am going to be a big man and admit these two things in public right now.

1. I am no longer a Mac boy. I am a PC. I replaced my MacBook Pro with a brand new Lenovo Y560 running Windows 7. Using my Microsoft TechNet subscription, I was able to upgrade it to Windows 7 Ultimate. It’s pretty sweet and I have loved this computer right out of the box. The configuration of this computer in a Mac would have cost me $2650. I paid $1310 (including tax) for my Lenovo. I think the savings was worth it.

And! Not only am I no longer a Mac boy but this has been compounded by the fact that I jumped AT&T ship and am now thoroughly enjoying my Motorola Droid on the Verizon Wireless network.

And! I bought a Zune HD. The Zune HD does not get the credit it deserves. The device rocks and I totally recognize it for the good solid piece of equipment that it is.

2. I can’t get into “Glee”. I mentioned this last fall during the first half of the season and one would think that I should truly enjoy “Glee”, being an ex-band and chorus fag but I just can’t muster up any energy about the show. I’m sorry. I have tried. Last fall I talked about the Sue Sylvester character being excessively frightening. Either they have softened the character up or I have mellowed out because she’s pretty much the only thing I look forward to now. The auto-tuning of the musicians is making me insane and I have to admit that I enjoy the fact that the fake pregnancy story line has seemingly been dropped.

Earl, Jamie and I usually watch “Glee” courtesy of the DVR on Wednesday night. During the actual broadcast of the show, Twitter and Facebook are both breathless explosions of, well, glee, about how great the show is but I’m just not seeing it. I do find Puck mildly enjoyable on the eyes and as I said before I’m enjoying Sue Sylvester this time around but other than that I think the whole series completely jumped the shark with Joan Rivers Olivia Newton-John. And I know, I’m going to lose even more gay points with the Joan Rivers/Olivia Newton-John joke in that last sentence but I can’t help it, Ms. N-J looked shellacked.

In celebration of Mother’s Day, Mom joined Earl, Jamie and I for a nice dinner. Earl cooked up one of his usual feasts and we used the fancy plates, the dining room and everything. It was a very nice experience for everyone involved. I even kept my elbows off the table.

As Earl cleared the plates and gave Mom and I a chance to just chat a little bit, we caught up on family stuff and got into a little bit of a discussion about how time marches on and how things have changed. I casually uttered something during the conversation that I have said a few times over the years and it wasn’t for a few moments that I noticed that tears had welled up in my Mom’s eyes.

I had said, “I wouldn’t change a moment of my childhood. For better or for worse, the good or the bad, I wouldn’t change a single thing. It made me who I am today and I think that that’s a good thing.”

It’s the truth. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m a lucky man to be able to say that and I recognize that. My mom thanked me for that wonderful Mother’s Day gift to her.

No Mom, thank you and Happy Mother’s Day.

So tonight I am spending the night about two minutes from the office because I need to go back to work and run some network tests with a colleague at 23:00. (That’s 11:00 p.m. for you non-geeks). The tests shouldn’t last too long and I opted not to work the night shift but instead just go in for an hour or so and then sleep at the hotel; I’m actually excited about this because I’ll get to sleep in in the morning. I haven’t done that on a workday in a few months. It’ll be a nice change of pace.

I haven’t done much to celebrate this little bachelor thing I have going on tonight. I’ve spent most of the time on the computer catching up on blogs, reading laptop reviews (I’m buying a new laptop) and other various mayhem. Johnstown isn’t the liveliest of places on the planet but I like the sleepy feeling they have going on here. This Microtel seems to be quite new and it’s comfortable. I feel like I’m in a dorm room with the yellow and lime green walls and the couch built into window box and over the air conditioner/heating unit. I have noticed that the walls are thin; this may prove interesting later this evening.

I went to a Chinese restaurant for supper and that was a rather disappointing experience. The food was mediocre at best, the waitress didn’t speak English (every time I said something to her, she looked at the hostess on the other side of the restaurant, who screamed a translation back to her and then smiled and said to me “so sorry”.) To keep things interesting the couple with their rugrats across the aisle from me let their kids play a game of “let’s fake vomiting”. Nothing adds to a Chinese meal and ambience like a screaming hostess sounding like she’s just found Pearl Harbor (yes, I know it wasn’t the Chinese that attacked Pearl Harbor and yes I know that I sound racist with that statement but it’s funny and you must admit that you snickered, even if just a little bit) and the sounds of a four and six (or so) year old making pukey noises into their fried rice. I think the whole experience turned me off of a Chinese food permanently and now the only way that I’ll eat something from the Far East is if it’s at a Hibachi Grill with my closest friends and a lot of what they call “Saki Bomb”.

I haven’t been blogging much lately and that’s because I’ve been too damn busy. I usually come up with the best blog entries when I’m getting ready for work. I recite them in the shower, I recite them whilst shaving, I mumble them around my toothbrush. None of these recitals aid in getting the damn entries into the computer and since people scold me for typing whilst driving I guess I’ll just start making videos from the shower, whilst shaving and whilst brushing my teeth in the future. That way you can see me in all my morning glory and hear some fascinating wit.

Now, if I could just find my camera.

I’m struggling with this blog entry. I don’t know why. I think I need to go to sleep. But someday I might write something worth reading again. In the meantime, I could dance or something but that would just be a cheap shot at entertainment and increasing hits and I’m not really into that. So instead I’ll just call it a night.

Thanks for stopping by. We’ll chat again soon now, ya hear?

At the moment I am trying to ramp up the energy to head upstairs and take a shower so that I can get myself off to work on time. I’m looking forward to the drive and the workday so it’s not a matter of dread that has me not moving at moment. I actually think it’s just a matter of it being Monday morning.

I am discovering that I’m kind of getting sick of sarcasm. I can be one sarcastic bastard when I want to bed, but when it’s flung about everywhere I choose to be; in conversation, in blog entries, etc., I’m discovering it makes me a little cranky. It probably shouldn’t, but it does. I’m not thin skinned or anything like that, I’m just finding that drippy, gay bitchy, Bea Arthur wannabe sarcasm to be a little much these days.

Earthquakes are literally rocking the world, volcanic ash is spewing out from Iceland and people are getting downright crazy with their religious fervor. If I were just a tad bit crazier, I’d tell you that we are right on schedule with the “2012 entering a New Age because the Mayan calendar, the psychics and the aliens said so” stuff, but I won’t do that.

I’ll just shiny up the tin foil hat a bit.

It is scenery like this that makes me smile. It is scenery like this, as taken along my commute on “New Turnpike Road” that was a contributing factor to my change in jobs at the beginning of March. Today I drove home with all the windows down, the iPod playing my favorite tunes on the radio and the beautiful countryside gently rolling by.

Spring has sprung in these parts. And my heart is soaring.

The Subway (sandwich shop) closest to the office gets a lot of my business. They are the healthiest choice around for the days that I don’t pack a lunch and they are always busy. This store is situated in the only mall nearby (which has six stores) and is owned by a beautiful straight couple who appear to be hardworking. I like their attitude and their dedication to the store. Plus they’re not bad to look at and they also honor the Subway card points system where I basically get frequent flyer miles.

I always eat the same thing; I ask for a meal deal that includes a six inch veggie on wheat with no cheese and the red vinegarette dressing. I opt for baked chips and unsweetened iced tea. One day when my work badge was hanging out the wife noticed my name and now she calls me by name each time I pay for my order. I like that. She even does it when my badge is in my pocket as I tested my theory.

I was telling someone that part of why I’m enjoying my new job so much is because I’m working in a smaller town where people just seem nicer to me. Whenever I go to the Subway near the house I’m always grateful to get what I ordered without a side of spit. God they are surly at that store. Half the time you can put your tray on top of the trash bin when it’s time to go because the tray is stuck to the dirty table. That’s why we don’t go to the Subway near the house very much.

The new job has me working in a town that hearkens back to my days of growing up. Ironically, I now work for the same telephone company that serves my hometown. When I was in second or third grade I remember wondering what it would be like working for the phone company in our small town.

Now I know.