Reconnect.

“I never finished this book.”

It was a thought that suddenly jumped into my mind as I worked my way around the Jacuzzi, doing a bit of spring cleaning in the master bathroom on a Monday night. Two books always sit on the tiled ledge around the tub. One book I have read over 30 times, the other I was still reading for the first time. It had been at least six weeks since I last picked it up.

The book in question was a gift from my friend Gregory. He thought that I would enjoy the book immensely, and from what I have read thus far, he was absolutely correct. This book is very fascinating to me. The subject fits right into my belief system and the words flow easily as I move from page to page.

I suppose there are a couple of reasons I haven’t sat down or hopped in the tub and read in a while. Life has been hectic. Work has been uneven and very intrusive during the intense on-call weeks. I have been traveling a lot. I’ve been fighting the effects of SAD, even though I swore I don’t suffer from that sort of thing. Perhaps it’s not a full-blown disorder, maybe I just feel a really strong sense of cabin fever or the winter blahs. Whatever it is or was, I feel like I have finally moved beyond it.

The cleanliness of the bathroom, a project that Earl and I embarked on last night, lent itself to a ride in the Jacuzzi tonight. I filled the tub with water that was as hot as I could stand. I lit an incense stick. I turned on the jets, picked up the book and began reading right where I had left off so many weeks ago.

45 minutes later I was still being pushed around by the jets, the scent of the now used incense stick lingered and I was four chapters further along in “Out On A Limb” by Shirley MacLaine.

Several years ago, right after I started this blog, I did a lot of reading, studying and contemplating on the subject of spirituality. I have no interest in organised religion; I see that practise as nothing more than a very large corporation that seeks to make money and control those that go along with their plan, however perverted from it’s original intent it may be. Religion has no place in my existence, whereas I am very compelled to further understand spirituality.

Interestingly, the concept of “hell” is foreign to me. The whole idea of there being such a bad place doesn’t make sense if there is such a thing as an “all-loving God”. I remember as a child asking my mother what “hell” was. She told me that she didn’t really believe in it but if there was such a place that it was probably right here. A formative statement? Quite possibly, but I tend to think of our existence here on Earth as “the hard part”. When we pass on and our spirit leaves the vehicle we call the body is when we truly are home and in an environment of pure love. We do our thing on the Other Side for a long while and then we decide we need to learn some more and we come back and do it all over again under different circumstances.

I think Shirley would concur with my beliefs.

I haven’t felt connected to my spiritual beliefs in a while¹. Once upon a time I felt very connected to the Universe: I meditated twice a day, I practised yoga, I had a sense of who I was and where I was going, I burned incense in my office on a daily basis (incense is very transformative for me). I felt very centered. It’s not that I feel disconnected these days but I don’t feel AS connected as I did say five or six years ago. I still see guideposts along the way that remind me of what I believe and have learned along this path; I meet those that I feel connected to in a way that feels like a millenium of familiarity. I stumble into déjà vu like feelings from time to time. The other night I had a dream quite similar to what I thought was a dream I remembered from a few years ago. I flipped through my dream log, certain that I had written it down but I could not find it. It was then that I realised that I hadn’t had that dream before but had worked the scene into my morning meditation back in 2003. My mind had decided that it was time bring that scene back to the forefront, five and a half years later, so that I would remember that I had experienced many of these feelings before and that I probably would again.

I don’t know if he’s conspiring with Gregory (and his gift of Shirley’s book), but David² has been urging me to start meditating again and perhaps start taking a class in the practise. I’m strongly considering it. Earl and I have talked about the subject at length and he agree that I don’t seem unhappy in any way these days, quite the contrary, but I don’t seem as grounded as I used to be. So the meditation class is something that I’m looking into. As I’m writing this entry I’m listening to the white noise of a thunderstorm from my iTunes. I find the sound to be incredibly relaxing. Perhaps I need the focus, and more importantly the relaxation, of the meditation exercise to get myself back into spiritual shape.

I feel very enriched and immensely lucky to have the life that I have these days. I also have a need to give back to the world in some way, but in order to do that I feel I need to be grounded better in order to make a positive contribution.

Perhaps continuing that book tonight was the first step in getting myself back in shape.

¹ I realise that my spiritual beliefs are a little unique when it comes to this sort of thing and I understand that there are those that don’t believe in the way that I do at all. I honour and respect the beliefs that others have, even if it’s a belief that there is no such thing as a “higher power”, and ask that the comments to this entry not be a debate as to the existence of such. In the process, I thank you for being part of my journey.

² Here is more information on the men I’m talking about in this blog entry.