Sometimes I wonder if human beings have it all wrong when it comes to sex. Well, not all human beings are getting it wrong as there’s quite a few that do it well, but those that are all uptight about sex are the ones I think are getting it wrong. So right here, right now, I’m going to talk about sex.

I like sex. I like sex a lot. I like raw, sweaty, hard, kitchen counter clearing, richter scale registering sex. Having been doing this sex thing for 20+ years (start counting on your fingers, Mom), I’m just as horny as ever. Why do I say this publicly? Because I believe that I am not in the minority when it comes to sex and I don’t believe it’s anything to be ashamed about.

I think much of what’s wrong with the United States today has to do with this whole religious, regimented, secretive approach to sex. Why is this school of thought such a popular thing? Having never read the Bible in my life, I don’t know if God is down on getting it on, but I can’t imagine that the Universe would make the act so enjoyable if it was a bad thing. That doesn’t make any sense! Why can’t people just admit to themselves that there’s nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults? Notice that I used two important keywords in that last sentence: consenting and adults. Really astute readers will notice a word missing from that same sentence.

Why are people so hung up about what others do in the privacy of their home (or seedy motel room)? Why is it their business? I say if you want to swing from the chandeliers wearing more chain than half the Village People then swing baby, swing! If your idea of feeling sexy is to dress up like Estelle Getty a la 1992 then go for that golden nugget. I might not get it but it’s not my right to stop you from doing whatever makes you feel sexy. If you want to take a walk on the wild side, then who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to stop you?

There are people that sneak around in hotel airport bathrooms, tap their toes a few times and hope for nirvana from the next stall. Now you see I have a problem with this because you’re infringing your desires on others that might not be interested. I don’t think that Elmer, who’s waiting for his layover flight to Topeka and just wants to take a leak, may be interested in the toe tapping thing, so you probably shouldn’t infringe it on him. However, these folks do the secret thing because they’re ashamed of how they feel or what they find sexually gratifying. Does anyone else realise how less fucked up the country would be if people were honest, open and candid about their sexual desires? Who cares if a turnip turns you on or whatever.

Now I’m not saying that people should drop their drawers and start humping each other in the middle of cheap housewares in their local Wal*Mart. Perhaps a third keyword should be discretion. I think if you take wild sexual activity and mix it with those three keywords, adult, consenting and discretion you’re looking at a happier place for everyone involved.

Now go enjoy your evening.