I made a family decision tonight, without discussing it with the rest of the family. Honestly, I don’t think Tom could give two hoots about my decisions as long as he has kitty kibble in his bowl twice a day, but Earl might care when I’m spending family funds. Let’s see how he reacts when he gets home from Tennessee!
I look at it this way. We have a beautiful entertainment system that we purchased new when we bought the house. It includes a plasma high-definition television. Unfortunately, we weren’t subscribing to any high-def cable channels. Instead we were shlepping it with boring reruns (I like to call them shitcoms) on the networks. So I went ahead and upgraded from the “digital basic” cable plan to the “ultimate pak”, which basically activated every channel known to man. After two calls to Adelphia (they of course deactivated my account on the first attempt, so I had to call again and get it fixed), we were fired up and ready to go.
So the first channel I switched to had a rerun of Jerry Springer on it. O.k. I know that Jerry Springer strives to be shocking, but is he really aiming for revolting? I’m innocently turning the channels and there was a woman running across the stage, naked, except that she had slabs of beef duct taped to her body. And to make the scene more pretty, she was built like a slab of beef.
Now I believe that the human body is a wonderful vehicle for the beautiful soul in each of us. But to run across a stage on television with slabs of beef taped to your “vehicle” is just plain nuts. Apparently, Miss Meat liked having sex with her table scraps, in case you’re wondering.
Then I flipped around again, finishing up a rerun of “Sabrina: The Teenage Witch” (like the show, but it’s no “Bewitched) and then ended up settling on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy – in high-def. I thought I would never admit this, but I am starting to really get into Queer Eye. I’m starting to feel the Queer Eye vibe. I wish I was straight so I could sign up and get made over. I guess I’ll have to watch the tips from the sidelines. And I know everyone drools over Kyan (the grooming guy), but I have to admit I find Ted a cute nerd, and I thought I’d never admit this but Carson has his own certain charm that anyone could love.
So when Earl gets home and decides to flip around the channels, he’s going to get a little shock when every single channel comes in instead of saying “Access Denied”.
I hope he doesn’t mind the woman with the beef kick.