I’ve been on this “be free and be yourself” kick since the dream I had last week about “letting go”. I’ve been writing messy, just letting my pen glide naturally and letting my feelings flow. I’ve been dressing the way I want to, rather than the way I need to, complete with bikini underwear (wait until Friday!). Bolder colors. I didn’t match my socks. If I had hair, it’d have that tossled look. But alas, there’s nothing up there to tossle. I wiped the shaving cream off my face this morning and decided to start a short beard again. And then I tried to write “+ NRG” (positive energy) in shaving cream on the mirror, but it didn’t stick.
At work, I rearranged my office. I got the computer desk that I can stand up at (you’ll notice the new view on my work webcam). I swapped desks with the graphic designer (whether she liked it or not), ridding myself of the huge behemoth I had that was designed for an IBM selectric (complete with white-out droppings) and going for the smaller desk that is just plain functional. I threw out all my files. I didn’t care what was in them. I hadn’t looked at them in six months, so apparently they weren’t important. So out they went. I dug up an old lamp that someone had discarded. It’s a monstrosity that has earned the name “Revlon” around the office… it looks like a big bottle of makeup. But it works and that’s what’s important. I even put in one of those energy saving bulbs that looks like a warped neon light, usually used by old men that are cheapskates. It gives off a fantastic light. Who cares how much money it saves. I considered dropping an f-bomb in casual conversation, but decided that being free doesn’t necessarily mean being rude, so I said my usual ‘fush’ instead. I even sang to my plants. Nothing shrill, something happy.
Paperwork was turned into me filled out all wrong (as usual) today. Did I fall down in an emotional heap? I did not. Did I rant? Rave? Have a first class hissy fit? Absolutely not. I dealt with it. High blood pressure is not worth fushed up paperwork.
I completely broke routine and did my morning stuff in the afternoon and my afternoon stuff in the morning. You know what, it made the day interesting and enjoyable. I walked around an extra block to get back to the parking garage. I whistled. I said hi to a homeless person. I ran from a yuppie.
I listened to what people had to say, no matter what they had to say, rather than multi-tasking and saying “uh huh. Uh huh. Yep. Uh huh.” I looked in people’s eyes. I saw the beauty in all my co-workers today.
At home I wiped American Idol from the ReplayTV. I don’t want to watch it anymore. I was just concerned with joining in on conversation at work and I really couldn’t care less who wins, so away it goes. I also wiped out Will and Grace. I’m not going to lose my gay membership card for not watching that show. And if I do lose my gay membership card, who cares, it’s their loss, not mine. I might even wipe out The West Wing if it continues to become unbelieveable.
I busied myself around the house and gave the towels and extra shot of bleach. The directions for our front loading washing machine say not to put too much bleach in there, but the towels were looking dingy so I gave them an extra dose. If the washer spins apart, we’ll replace it. Who cares. I might go crazy and buy a second hand washer, rather than getting the “latest and greatest” to make up for some perceived deficit in my personality.
Earl and I have made plans to go out Saturday night! It’s been ages since we’ve gone out, partly because I felt couples shouldn’t go out. We’re happy together. Only unhappy couples go out. Well what the hell do I know? Fush it, let’s go dancing. Earl wants to dance. I want to dance. So we’ll dance. Meet us in Buffalo. Everybody dance. Whooo hoo hoo clap your hands, clap your hands.
I don’t know if it’s the beginning of a pre-mid-life crisis or spring fever, but I feel wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Wild. Carefree. I’m living in the moment and looking forward to the next.