I like to suck.

With Earl out of town, I’m finding that the simplest things are amusing me. I think I have too much time on my hands.

I like to suck.

Now that I have your attention, naturally I am talking about our vacuum cleaner. When Earl and I moved into the new house, our beloved cleaning lady, Mariruth (I sometimes refer to her as ‘Agnes Destructo’), had to have some back surgery that was going to take her out of commission for a couple of months. While we don’t like to see anyone undergoing surgery, it was admittedly a convenient way for us to kind of slide her out of the picture and save money for the new mortgage payment. “Hell, anyone can clean a house”, we thought, smugly.

Such a simple thought. Such a massive house. Such fools.

Earl and I are the ‘jet-set’ type if you will, and use the weekends to flit to this or that locale to enjoy all life has to offer (mainly malls and diners in distant lands). During the week, we are two very busy executive types that are making very tiring decisions all day long. At night, we like to kick back and relax after a long day at work.

These two variables leave little time for cleaning.

So the second weekend in January we decided that we were going to clean the house every other Saturday. Top to bottom, elbow to asshole, this place was going to SHINE SHINE SHINE all around the world. (Sorry, I’m getting a clean toilet mixed up with Barry Manilow for some reason). We promptly went to Lowe’s and purchased all sorts of accoutrements, including a wet/dry type vacuum made especially for hardwood floors (which includes all the floors in the house save for the kitchen and one of the bathrooms). We thought we’d be spiffy with a Swiffer. Not just any Swiffer mind you, but two of them… a Swiffer Plus which resembles a maxipad on a stick and a Swiffer Wet thing that spews some sort of goo and a mildly pleasant gas. That’s on a stick as well.

We also picked up a Eureka canister vacuum for the sole purpose of dusting and vacuuming the stairs. It was cheap at $79.

Well the wet/dry vacuum sucked, and I don’t mean it in a good way, and it’s a beast to drag around the house. The cat is constantly hysterical, I’m wetting when I should be drying and general mayhem ensues whenever I try to use the damn thing. I use the Lysol kitchen floor cleaner on the wood floor and the Murphy’s oil soap (both specially formulated for this particular vacuum cleaner, mind you) on the kitchen floor. Chalk that $250 up to the “lessons learned” category. It’s parked next to the cat’s litter box. I’m hoping that the fear it strikes in him makes him bury his crap faster.

The Swiffer Plus looks like a huge tampon and quite honestly, though I’ve never seen the female genitalia, being gay and all, I can’t use anything that looks like it belongs in places I’ve never been. Especially something covered in dust bunnies.

The Swiffer wet/dry thing, well, died after three or four uses so I threw it out back in the woods. Perhaps the wildlife would enjoy the mildly pleasant gas. At the very least, maybe they’ll bury it.

But the cheap Eureka vacuum cleaner has been an absolute trooper. I got downright crazy and ordered extra parts online last week, including an attachment for hardwood floors and a kit that lets you clean the inside of a computer or a model train set. The little kit works so well I’m thinking of getting a model train set so I can use it more often. Which is a good thing, because I wanted to see how all this worked out before I ordered the parts that let you perform a home facial on yourself. I must admit that I am excited about the prospect of sucking the dirt out of my pores with a vacuum cleaner. The Queer Eye fab five would be proud.

So tonight I threw on my cleaning clothes (including the big socks for dusting the floor with ease) and proceeded to vacuum, vacuum, vacuum with my little Eureka trooper. 2,600 square feet in two hours and the house looks wonderful! It was fun vacuuming with this. I enjoyed myself.

It’s true! I suck! And now I do it well!