December 5, 2007

I’m calling for a law to be written immediately. I can not believe that somebody, somewhere has not called for this but I’m demanding for a regulation that requires owners of a public restroom to install Mandatory Muzak.

The company I work for part time recently moved from an aging building with a fairly nice men’s room into a not so aging building with a men’s room the size of a broom closet. In said new men’s room there is one urinal and two toilets squeezed into a tiny, tiny space, along with one sink and a monstrous paper towel dispenser.

I don’t mind using a public bathroom. I zip in, unzip, do my business and leave. I don’t want to chat with anyone. I don’t want to discuss the weather. I don’t care what others are doing. I just don’t want to listen to any of it. Not only do I not want to listen to chatter, I don’t want to listen to someone else attending to their business, and this includes any random moans or groans.

There is something very disconcerting about utter silence when you’re squeezed into a broom closet posing as a rest room with another man. As I’m standing at the urinal, doing my business, someone else walks in, shimmies around the paper towel dispenser and makes their way into one of the two stalls. It is then that I start praying for continuous intercom announcements, a random vacuum cleaner, jingle cats or a thunderstorm to cover up the lack of noise in the room. There isn’t even a fan to add to the white noise. I’m not going to pursue other issues associated with the lack of a fan.

The only drawback of having music in a public restroom is if a really good song comes on. You’re sitting and doing your business and “You Spin Me ‘Round” by Dead or Alive comes on. The music grabs you and the next thing you know you’re tapping your toe to the beat and viola! a Republican Closet Case is in your stall. I hate it when that happens.

We have suffered long enough with the trauma of a silent public rest room. It’s time to get our groove on.