June 27, 2007

Yesterday afternoon I was working on homework when the phone rang. I picked up the receiver and politely said “Hello”, as more normal Americans would do. Was I greeted with a pleasant voice in response? In this day and age, the answer is unsurprisingly no. In response to my pleasant greeting I received three blares of touch-tone goodness followed by a garbled recorded message ordering me to call DirecTV immediately at a toll-free number. Never one to jeopardize all things techie, including incoming satellite signals, I hung up the phone and called them right back.

Them: “Thank you for calling DirecTV, may I help you please?”

I responded by pressing several buttons on the telephone. I figured if DirecTV can greet me with touch-tone noises then I shall do the same forever and ever amen.

Them: “Is someone there?”

Me: “Hello?”

Them: “What is the name on this account?” (Ooh, a psychic, she already knows who I am.)

I gave her Earl’s name, since his name is on the account.

Them: “Is this Earl?”

Me: “Yes.” I love impersonating Earl.

Them: “How can I help you?”

Me: “I was told to call you.”

Them: “By whom?”

I responded with several blasts of the aforementioned touch-tone before I meekly said, “A recorded voice.” Having been in radio for several years I’ve always tried to be armed with a wide selection of character voices, but they all boil down to one: something that sounds like Bea Arthur constipated, so I settled for my regular voice with a meek twist.

Them: “Sir, your account is up to date. There was no reason to call.”

Me: “So this has been a waste of my time, your time and the time of anyone eavesdropping on this conversation.”

Them: “Yes.”

Me: “Goodbye.” I considered playing the first line of “Mary Had A Little Lamb” on the 3-2-1 keys of the phone but I opted to just hang up instead.