Earl and I went on our big Christmas shopping spree yesterday. We have finished the majority of our shopping, though I have a few more things to pick up on my day off on Wednesday. We went to two malls in two major cities and both were jammed and chaotic.
I had the opportunity to make several observations while on this merry little adventure, and I’d like to share them with you.
- Unless you have a cell phone up to your ear and you totally ignore any and everything around you as you walk through the mall, you’re a nobody. I often called time and temperature just to fit in with the crowd. Perhaps I should have called Dial-A-Prayer, because I had the urge to go to postal.
- Dangly earrings apparently increase the reception of the Borg like device many wear on their ear now to engage in the aforementioned incredibly important cell phone calls. Said earrings allow the wearer to carry on conversations regarding important items such as incontinence, child custody battles and inane phrases such as “what are you doing” at high decibels in the far reaches of the jewelry, domestics and intimate apparel departments.
- All holiday wishes should be set aside when vying for a parking space. The handicapped spots should be reserved for the foolish pedestrians (such as myself) that didn’t join in the joust and parked in remote parking lots; these remote location people shall pay by becoming targets and being reduced to “points” status.
- If a parking spot within 30 feet of the front door is not available, it is perfectly acceptable to parallel park between the Salvation Army bell ringer and the gift wrapping service table.
- The sensibility of using the elevator to transport the baby buggy is completely discarded during the holidays. The buggy shall be jammed onto the escalator and there shall be complete disregard for others trying to escalate or de-escalate as well, even if it’s a senior citizen that has not seen in the inside of a mall since the Bicentennial celebration.
- Baby buggies are for transporting packages, barrels of half eaten popcorn, Big Gulps, purses and the wide variety of incredibly important cell phone accessories. At no time shall a child be sitting in one of these vehicles, the child is to be roaming free, screaming at the top of it’s lungs, accessorized in a saggy diaper and tripping up other mall patrons. If you can get the child to yell “mor-mor” even five to seven seconds at peak volume, you earn bonus points.
- Since the holiday season is the busiest for retailers, it’s important to completely replace the cash register system during this joyous time. This keeps clerks on their toes by keeping them in the dark on how the new software works.
Next year, it’s point and click all the way. Starting in July.
