Inhibitions.

I’ve been thinking about inhibitions lately. I think my inhibitions have prevented me from pursuing my dreams. I haven’t figured out what those dreams are yet, but I’m sure there’s dreams up there somewhere that have yet to be realized.

Growing up, and admittedly, probably to this day, I care what people think about me. Am I too fat. Do I look like a geek. Do I stick out like a neon light. I think this worry about what people think about me is inhibiting me from being my true self. I’ve always got my guard up. “What are they thinking.” “Why are they looking.” It’s ironic, because back in my 20s, I had a couple of dates tell me that I was the most uninhibited person they ever met, but we’ll save those stories for a seedy Saturday night.

I suppose my inhibitions stem from my homosexuality. “They’re going to know I’m gay.” Well, duh. I am gay. Since I’ve known for the past 29 years or so, you’d think I’d be over that by now. Maybe I need to work on that.

My dear friend Laurie has been in a number of beauty pageants scholarship programs in the Miss America Program. She is the most uninhibited person I know. Laurie can go up on stage and do her thing without thinking twice. Whether it’s putting 200% of emotion into performing the National Anthem in sign language, or testing out a new vocal performance on co-workers (knowing that it would probably tank), Laurie throws all caution to the side and put her all into whatever she’s doing – carefree and uninhibited. I greatly admire that in her. Besides, she’s quirky like I am and that’s always a plus. (Laurie is the Executive Director of Miss Mohawk Valley – go see her web site).

In fact, inhibition prevented me from supporting Laurie’s participation in the beauty pageants scholarship programs leading up to Miss America. I was worried what others at work would think of my support. I strived to go along with the crowd rather than being myself.

I should follow Laurie’s lead and be more uninhibited. I should throw caution to the wind and just do my own thing. Support the causes I believe in. Sing karaoke. Do stand up at the open mic night at the local comedy club. Dance in the middle of the mall.

There’s a wonderful world out there. I shouldn’t shy away because of a wall of inhibition.

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