There Is A Sucker, Born Every Minute.

I swore I wasn’t going to get wrapped up in it, but I did. I’m such a goon. Of course I’m talking about American Idol.

Last year I spewed out all sorts of negativity in my blog about Ruben Studdard winning over Clay Aiken. I stand by that. I thought the poor thing was going to pass out during his performance tonight and he sucked as usual. I don’t know if he’s a nice guy or not, but I really hate his voice. On the flip side, Clay Aiken is a breath of fresh air, and his single “Invisible” is a true pop classic. Earl hates it when it comes on the radio or CD, because I have to crank up “the bridge” and he has to listen to my praise about “classic pop music structure.” See? That year in SUNY Fredonia’s music program taught me something.

Which brings us to this year’s finale. Of course, the whole thing could be condensed to the last two minutes and you wouldn’t miss a thing. The single that was written for the winner, “I Believe” is cheesier than a big block of good old 1979 Welfare Cheese. It makes Diane Warren’s lyrics sound like Shakespeare.

At the beginning of this two hour cheese fest we began with Tamyra Gray, a lovely woman with a beautiful voice, who butchered our National Anthem. Our National Anthem, while patriotic, is not the most beautiful song in the world, and she just made it worse. Cluephone to anyone that sings the National Anthem in the future. It’s written to be sung at a fairly lively tempo and the melody is straight forward. It has been sung roughly a million times. Sliding up and down the scale, all over the medley with startling trills in not going to make the National Anthem “Your Own”. It’s still the National Anthem. And drug-induced Whitney Houston be damned, sing it like it’s written. And I speak with authority, as I have sang the National Anthem locally, in front of a crowd of roughly 3,000 people and I sang it straight forward. Granted, every team I’ve sung for has left town at the end of the season, but that’s just a coincidence.

Then we have the Top 12 doing a really bad “can-can” type number which was a medley of all the hits of the guest judges throughout the season. Imagine a drunk D.J. at a club trying to mix “Heaven Knows” into “Mandy” and you’ll get the jist of that train wreck. I have a hard time believe Matt Rogers is 24, he looks 34 (and kind of hunky admittedly). And he’s suffering from “comb-over”. Dude, stop the charade.

Ruben Studdard made his obligatory performance. Cluephone to Ruben, go see a doctor as I really am afraid for your health. It seemed you could barely squeak out your song without suffering from severe dehydration with all your sweating, and the second line is ringing, your songs still suck.

Then to top it off, we have Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Burrino. Diana is 16, shows a lot of promise vocally and will have a great career someday. She’s a little wet behind the ears, but she shows promise and I wish her well as runner up.

Fantasia, of course, took the American Idol title, because that’s who the judges wanted to win and that’s who America voted for. Personally I can’t watch her because she bounces around so much I suffer from airsickness, and I can’t listen to her because she makes my throat sore with her screeching. She sounds like a 33 RPM Macy Gray record sped up to 45 RPM. Not my thing, but then again, not much on Top 40 radio is not my thing today. But I wish her luck. The two choices were nowhere near the calibur of Kelly Clarkson or Clay Aiken, but they will do for this year.

Now, I’m not watching next year. I know, I know, yeah right.