May 2004

Here it is May 10 and the sun is out already! I had almost forgotten what it looked like. After all, we’ve had rain, rain and more rain for the past week or so.

The sunshine was a welcomed addition to my sunny mood I desperately tried to maintain today. And I’m glad to say that I was successful. I just sort of smiled a lot, like a crazed person that walks on the street and hums. Hum hum hum. If the people around me were smart, they’d send me off to the big building where the people inside make rag rugs with blunt scissors. And hum. But no, I’m just loose on the street, sunny disposition and all.

The only thing that really crossed me today was that suicide inducing, syrupey Delilah on the local “Lite Favorites” radio station. I couldn’t scan past her fast enough. The listener, obviously with a certain drawl in her voice, was crying because her daughter hasn’t been very nice to her. SCAN. I flipped around some more and then came across Delilah again, playing “Friends and Lovers” by Gloria Loring. I hope that wasn’t played in reference to the mother and daughter. That’s what I get for jumping off of NPR.

I did enjoy a lovely bike ride this evening after supper. It was nice to get out and stretch my legs and all. I’m getting back into the cycling groove and feeling quite good about it. My body is responding very well. I look forward to hills. I try to maintain a higher average speed. I feel confident.

There’s a promise of thunderstorms this evening. I can’t wait!

After returning to work Friday around 1 p.m., I decided that I had had enough for the week, so I talked to my boss and bowed out for the weekend at 3:00. Earl left work early as well. It was nice to get out and enjoy some sunshine and stuff like that. Friday was truly an Afternoon Delight.

We headed over to Lenscrafters at 6:00 for scheduled eye exams. We hadn’t had our eyes examined since 1998… needless to say it’s been much too long. Long story short – I apparently have the eyes of a 50 year old, complete with cataracts! Holy Helen Keller! That caught me completely off-guard. The optomologist told me that I will undoubtedly have to have cataract surgery in twenty years or so, but hey! look at the bright side – who knows where technology will be then… perhaps it’ll be even easier than the current same day surgery currently required. It certainly gave me a little dose of reality, but nothing to knock me over. I also need bifocals now (WTF), and in 10 days you’ll see me on my webcam with my stylin’ new, no-lines, frameless, anti-glare glasses.

Apparently all this computer use is damaging my eyes. So no more mood lighting for me at work – I’ll have everything on full brightness starting tomorrow, plus, I’ll be wearing my old reading glasses (like I should have been all along) until I get my new glasses. Don’t make fun of me when you see me on ‘cam. 🙂

Mother Nature wasn’t very cooperative for the rest of the weekend… we made some attempts to get the deck ready for summer, but the rain kept chasing us in. We decided to take a second mortgage out on the house, fill up the gas tank and go for a ride. We ended up shopping at a new store up north called WiseBuys. It’s a new chain of department stores specifically designed to replace the void left by Ames. As an old Ames/Hills/Zayre employee, it’s kind of nice to shop in a department store that isn’t a Wal*mart or Target, so I hope that WiseBuys does really well with what they’re trying to do. Earl bought a new pair of jeans dirt cheap.

We also took the opportunity to check out our first Kohl’s, which has just started making an appearance in the neck of the woods. We picked up some needed kitchen gadgets.

Today my Mom and sister came over for a Mother’s Day dinner and general chit chat. It was nice to get together with them. They both seem to be having a little bit of a rough time lately – I hope they get through that soon and find happiness.

We wrapped up the evening with “Total Recall” on DVD. I hadn’t seen it since I saw it at the movies in 1990… it was fun to watch. Now I’m getting ready to do some meditating before calling it a night.

A new week lies ahead, and I feel like I’m ready to take it on after this nice, relaxing, low-key weekend. A little meditation, some deep breaths, and a new pair of glasses… I can see clearly now.

There’s is nothing more relaxing than heading home in the middle of the hectic work day. Especially when the sun is shining beautifully, the temperature is at a friendly 65 degrees, the birds are chirping and the lawn is freshly mowed.

Earl and I picked out a new barbecue grill on Tuesday night, and I received a call from Lowe’s that it would be delivered today between 11 and 1. What an absolutely gorgeous day to head home for a little break. The perfect way to kick off what’s bound to be a glorious weekend… just what the doctor ordered.

Now, if Earl was home from work with me right now, it would truly be, an afternoon delight.

I haven’t written in my blog the last couple of days because I’ve basically been out of my mind. You know, the usual bout of emotional instability.

Let’s just say that on Monday I went red-lined the “emotional response scale” with a lot of screaming and cussing during a heated discussion at work that left everyone with mouths gaping and me walking out the door for a half hour of downtime to find my sanity. If anyone working for me had acted such as I did, they would have been fired on the spot. In that respect, it’s probably a good thing I’m the boss. But that does not make my behavior any more tolerable, and I’ve offered my sincerest apologies to victims and witnesses. But you know how you sometimes know that you’ve wrecked things permanently? I kind of feel that way now. So for the last two days I’ve been REALLY quiet and just doing my thing.

On the inside, I’ve been looking for the reason that I went postal. In all actuality, there isn’t any one reason… more like the culmination of a lot of a variety of things going on in my life. Earl being out of town. The feeling of a hampster running on a playwheel while I’m at work… running, running and running but not going anywhere. Crappy Central N.Y. weather. The lack of a parking space. Imperfect people in an imperfect world. Bush Lite and his cast of idiots in the government. Acid rain. Shaving irritation. Rude people in the elevator. Constipation. You name it. I guess I’ve been just damn cranky.

I’m not a big fan of being in management. Unfortunately, that’s a problem when your title is “Director of Operations”. I don’t like telling people what to do. I like to show them what to do, teach them, mold them, but I do not like managing them. I don’t want to decide who stays and who goes. I don’t like telling people that they are no longer valuable to the company and to pack up their desk. I don’t like deciding who gets a raise. I don’t like doing employee evaluations. Let’s face it, I barely like people.

My ideal work scenario involves being on a project team, working in concert with others towards a common, pre-planned goal. Tell me what to do and when to do it by then leave me alone in my work area and let me get it done. Let me contribute to the vision, don’t make me be the lone painter of the big picture.

Earl’s response, God love him, is “fix it.” And he’s right. When you have a problem, you correct it. If you have an issue, resolve it. And I’ve been thinking about how to do that.

I know that this entry must seem vague and perhaps idiotic to the casual reader. Maybe that’s appropriate. I’ve been feeling vague and perhaps idiotic.

All I know is that on Monday I was at the lowest point of the emotional see-saw. Now, the only way is up.

It’s amazing that I was such a bastard on Monday considering the wonderful weekend Earl and I had. “The Punisher” at the local drive-in. Beautiful summerlike weather. A walk through Onondaga Lake Park. Saturday night supper at a 50s hot dog stand. It was glorious.