Life Is Such A Sweet Insanity.

I really hate speakerphones. I despise them. When I speak with someone using a speakerphone, I feel that I’m told indirectly, “Don’t think that you’re important enough that I need to stop what I’m doing to talk to you. Just keep on yapping and I’ll mutter some yeps and nopes.”

I rank speakerphones one notch below cellphone use in public. This morning I spoke with a customer who was using a speakerphone. She spoke at bullhorn levels into the inspid little device to tell me she was having a problem with her e-mail. She would ask me a question, I would give her an answer and then she’d confer with someone that would whisper so I couldn’t hear what they were saying.

That’s just rude.

First of all, the conversation sounded like it was coming in from Venus. Secondly, she was multitasking way too much. When the customer wasn’t speaking at abnormally loud volumes, she was either drinking coffee, eating something or speaking in hushed tones with the suspicious little man in the shadows. Maybe I’m a little bit paranoid but I like to know who I’m speaking with and that I have their attention.

Earl is a very busy corporate executive. He earns lots of money for his company and all involved (including me) are quite proud of him. However, early in our relationship he learned that the speakerphone thing isn’t going to work for me. I’d call him up and answer his greeting over his speakerphone with “hi”. He’d say “hello”. I’d say “hi”. He’d say “hello”. This would go on until he was frustrated enough to pick up the receiver and pay attention to me in which I would then have a delightful conversation of whispering sweet nothings and my asking him to bring home cat litter or something equally mundane.

I could be a little paranoid. Back in my radio days, the morning show team would take great delight in calling their boss (me) around 6:00 in the morning and put me on the air. “Ha ha! J.P. is asleep! Ha ha!” After telling them several times to knock it off, I finally responded to one of their questions with a “How the fsck should I know?” or something equally profane in which the phone went dead and they learned to take Station Daddy seriously.

We have a support tech in our group that likes to use his speakerphone. We get to hear all sorts of fun throughout the office. “What did you say?” “I said press CTRL-ALT-DEL twice.” “Press catcha all mice?” This goes on and on.

I seriously miss Ma Bell and her rotary dial.

So I was humming “Monday, Monday” to myself all morning when all of a sudden I realized that it isn’t Monday at all, it’s Wednesday! How silly of me. I wondered why the weekend flew by so fast.

It doesn’t really feel like Wednesday. Heck, it doesn’t even feel like July, with tonight’s temperature predicted to be in the upper 40s. I’m wondering why we are feeding chemicals into the pool, I don’t think it needs to be clear to be an ice skating rink.

I keep waiting for summer to “kick in”. It still feels like May to me. Perhaps it’ll warm up by the end of the week and we can put the winter clothes away.

Earl and I are camping for the next two weekends. This coming weekend we’re headed to a state park and next weekend we’re taking a long weekend and going to the gay campground in Pennsylvania. We’re looking forward to both trips.

Gotta remember to pack the parkas.

I was talking with a customer day today who ended the call by wishing me a happy holidays. I found this odd. I think it may have been the first time I’ve ever been wished a happy holidays in reference to Independence Day. While the sentiment was in the right place and I took it at face value, to me the phrase just sounded weird. I had a fleeting moment to respond with “Merry Christmas” but I thought better of it. I didn’t want to sound mean.

I sincerely hope that we are not about to go generalizing all the holidays now and have a one-size fits all approach when it comes to wishing others well in the spirit of a given holiday. It’s bad enough that we fire off fireworks at the drop of a hat now. Fireworks should be reserved for the celebration of Independence Day. The only other time that I approve the launching of fireworks is for local volunteer fire departments’ “field days”, and that’s to celebrate the community we live in. These days it seems like we’re dragging sparklers out for any ol’ reason… “Grandma cleaned her dentures, time to launch some M80s!”

I blame marketing people. It’s like these folks that put up Christmas lights for every reason in the world. We have green St. Patrick’s Day lights. We have pink and yellow Easter lights. We have brown Thanksgiving lights. Christmas lights go on the Christmas tree and maybe around a porch pole or two. And that occurs after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. O.k., there are some instances where Christmas lights work in other places, like all white lights in a tree at the mall, on a Walt Disney World parade float or at a popular tradition at local gay campgrounds called “Illumination Weekend”. But I don’t get the Christmas lights going up for the other holidays.

And while I’m approaching a rant here, what is up with exchanging gifts at Easter? A few pieces of candy for the kids and some together time around the family dinner table, that’s it people. The easter bunny should not bring Melvin a bicycle and an X-box.

This generalization of various holidays is taking away from the moments themselves. Our founding fathers gave their lives for the freedom that we enjoy today and we remember this with “Independence Day”. Each holiday is unique and should be honored by remembering the reason for that day. So if you want to wish someone a wonderful Independence Day, make it simple and say “Have a Happy 4th!” or “Happy Independence Day!”, then go out with your loved ones and enjoy the fireworks.

Just don’t put up the Christmas lights and Easter eggs at the same time.