I’m still looking forward to reaching the point in my life where I can just live the way I want to without worrying about my blood pressure, my weight, how much I’m working out, how much caffeine I’m drinking, whether I should drink alcohol or not, and trying to find a moment in my diet to figure out where I can inhale the mist of a ground up cheeseburger being blown by my face without having to face the ramifications of health professionals telling me I’m obese.

I love going out with my family and friends, having a few drinks, enjoying a nice meal, and having a wonderfully relaxing experience doing so. I see people all over The Windy City doing this. They’re skinny, they’re laughing, they’re fit, they’re beautiful.

I want to smack the beers right out of their hands.

As Suzanne Sugarbaker once said, “In fact, after work I might drive my car through a Taco Bell”. I would delight in driving the Jeep physically through a Taco Bell if it knocked Gorditas and Tacos made out of Doritos and Burritos out of the hands of pretty people who can eat these things without being scolded for being overweight.

Can you tell that my annual physical is coming up soon?

As my primary physician stabs at the computer, reviews the meds I have to take to extend my life, and then draws vials of blood to make sure I don’t have worms or something, he’ll tell me that I’m overweight and I should do something about it. I should exercise more. I should go to the gym.

I hate the gym. I really hate the gym. I derive absolutely no enjoyment from going to gym. I know that’s anti-American and that I should be jetting around the neighborhood in sweat pants, sweaty and breathless because I should be squatting something in the air with many repetitions, but I can’t think of anything more tedious than grunting and swearing trying to lift dumb bells when I could be outside walking, cycling, swimming, or just enjoying life. If I’m going to pay a business it’s going to be for food, not for the privilege of using their exercise equipment.

I’d rather save my money and fly an airplane.