I would like to take a moment to thank the driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405. In the moments that were flashing before my eyes earlier this evening, you gave me a great sense of enlightenment and realisation.
Yes, thank you driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405 for reversing my beliefs and proving that New York, The Empire State, really does need to become a nanny state to protect us from ourselves and remove us from all responsibility of common sense. Thank you for proving that we need seat belt laws (you weren’t wearing one) and prohibitions against driving while talking on our cell phone (which you were doing).
Thank you, driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405 for allowing me to prove to myself that I am an excellent cyclist. As I made my way down the hill at 33 MPH with all the other vehicles (cars, trucks and one cyclist) lined up in a row coming down the street, you reminded me that as a cyclist, which by the way is a vehicle on the road that wasn’t burning fuel other than the afterglow of today’s lunch, I am not entitled to be a vehicle on the road. As you smoked your cigarette, talked on your cell phone and as your poodle sat on the dash and your ugly mouth breathing daughter looked at me, you ignored my screams and pulled out in front of me as you tried to beat the car coming in the opposite direction. Because of you, I proved to myself that I am nearly invincible as I took my fluorescent clad body and bicycle, at 33 MPH, and made a mad dash of a detour across the lawn surrounding yet another Rite Aid drug store, through some barely manicured bushes, over a storm grate and back on to the road, where I took my place back in line behind you.
Thank you, driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405 for cementing my belief that our country is slowly evolving from the “land of the free” to the “land of the fucked up” as we make our way toward the plot outlined in the movie Idiocracy.
Thank you, driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405 for making me terrified of the latest round of “Who Wants To Be A President?”, currently scheduled for the first Tuesday in November (check your local listings for last minute changes), for it is people like you and your ugly mouth breathing daughter than make me realise that mediocrity is now the standard to which we base all accepted forms of accomplishment and pride.
And thank you, driver of the rusty Chevy Lumina, New York tags # EKP-4405 for glancing around the smoke belching from your face and looking at me in your rearview mirror and then putting your windows up, whilst telling your ugly mouth breathing daughter to do the same to the back windows, because had you not done that, I might have done something that I just might regret.
1 I can make fun of mouth breathers because I used to be one myself when I was a young kid.
2 I am terrified of the fact that the U.S. is truly headed to the scenario painted in that movie “Idiocracy”.
