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How Did We Ever Survive.

As I was walking from my office building to my car today, I decided to be a law abiding citizen and crossed the street using the crosswalk instead of jay walking further up yet closer to my car. This is where I made a grave error. You see, as I was using the crosswalk, as instructed by the flashing LED constructed picture of a sexless figure walking, a white Ford Explorer decided that I would look better as road kill. I stopped just short of getting my feet run over by a rancid fruitbag of a woman yakking on her cell phone while ignoring the traffic signal in front of her.

Now I know that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that if you’re going to talk on your cell phone while driving (which is illegal in New York State), then go ahead and do it and stop trying to dodge cops or wrestle with that ugly handset. I suppose this is an example of the universe telling me “Ha ha! The government knows best, that’s why it’s illegal, ha ha!”

I want to know when everyone became so damn important that they had to yak on their cell phone whereever they may be. Are people so full of themselves and so self righteous that they think that they need to be available to their public every single, solitary second of the day? What happened to a little “down time”? The morning commute was your chance to organize yourself for the day, maybe win a contest on the radio and breathe in the sunshine and exhaust fumes. Now everyone is busy making appointments with their metrosexual stylist, yelling at the kids for making toast with the clothes iron and calling ahead for Dunkin Donuts buckets of coffee all via their cell phone.

Is there no peace in this country anymore?

I remember going to the “Hall of Presidents” at DisneyWorld back in ’96 and enjoying an interesting, engaging exhibit. It was magnificent, as each animatronic president said his piece and reminded us about the honor of being an American. I remember going to the same exhibit in ’05 and having to listen to Zelda screech at her kids over her Nextel walkie talkie for not meeting her next to the teacups at the appointed time. I ask you, how can Abraham Lincoln speak with dignity among the myriads of “beep beep” from those infernal Nextel phones or tinny, low fidelity renditions of “When The Saints Go Marching In” or “The William Tell Overture”? “To hell with American history, I want to know when I’m meeting my wife for a shaved ice!”

I think I’m becoming a little hostile towards cell phone users. A couple of weeks ago while we were at the State Fair, some moron would walk by, talking away on his cell phone and completely oblivious to the fact that he had just stomped on my foot, knocked an innocent grandma out of her wheelchair and that the cow ahead of him was not his girlfriend and was in fact shitting on his shoe. I would simply proclaim in a very loud, obnoxious, stage presence to the back of the auditorium voice, “OH MY GOD I’M AT THE STATE FAIR AND I MUST MAKE A CELL PHONE CALL RIGHT NOW!”. Then I’d raise my Motorola up like Kunta Kinte and genuflect. I would then proceed to dial random digits and order a pizza for the 10 people around me.

Unfortunately my attempt at humor was not noticed. People were too busy listening for their phones to ring a tinny, low fidelity version of “Da Dip”.