Ribbon Certified.

It’s official. I’m have had it up to here (way above my head) with these stupid magnetic ribbons that are plastered all over the cars around here. I used to tolerate them. I used to think of our troops in Iraq and silently thank them for their contribution to the world when I saw a yellow ribbon.

Now I just want to run the fuckin’ car off the road.

The original intent of these ribbons was admirable. I thought it was a bit cheesy to buy a pre-fabbed magnet ribbon at Wal*Mart (Always White Trash, Always) and slap it on your car, but I dealt with it. Personally, if you feel that strongly about showing your yellow ribbon off, I feel you should take the time to get a piece of actual yellow ribbon and tie it around your car antenna, or your cell phones, or your neck for all I care, but you should at least make an effort. Nope, it’s grab, scan, plop, and “Look I’m Patriotic!”. At least when the original yellow ribbons were out and about, I believe during the Iran Hostage situation back in 1979 and 1980, people took actual yellow ribbons and tied them around actual oak trees in their front yards. Now that said something.

Now we have these ribbons popping up for all sorts of causes. Yesterday, I saw a ribbon that said “Autism Awareness”. How about “Help Find A Cure for Autism.” I’m fully aware that autism exists. Why be so passive? “Autism Awareness”. Don’t make people aware of it, do something about it!

Then there’s those lovely pink ribbons that say “Support breast cancer.” Well, no I don’t really support breast cancer as I came thisclose to losing my godmother to the disease. Sure, I’ll support the cause to find a cure for breast cancer, but support breast cancer itself? Not on your life. If you’re going to write something on a ribbon, please have the decency to have it make sense.

I hate to generalize about people, actually I’m lying, I love the sport, but these ribbons are like a USDA seal of “really bad driver”. These cheap imitation ribbons on a car usually indicate that the driver is going to make erratic movements, neglect the turn signal stalk on the steering wheel, talk on the cell phone and make an illegal U turn over my foot as I jay walk.

I guess in that way they’re really helpful. It’s like a little note to others, “I’m an asshat!”

I find it really ironic that these men with small penises lots of money the means to own a Hummer have the “Support Our Troops” ribbons on the back of their tanks, especially as our troops lose their lives in their real Hummers so you can drive around suburbia in your fake one.

“You don’t care.” “You’re not patriotic.” “You don’t give a damn about your country.”

That’s bullshit. Like my spiritual beliefs, I don’t need to run around bashing people over the head with my patriotism, waving an American flag and having a “W” tattoo etched into my right bicep. I’d fight for my country if she wanted me and would let me. But no, I have to tolerate these mass produced imitation ribbons.